Brian Cross

QUICKIES Low Battery A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal. Government Survey A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor. I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the missus look like she's moving during intercourse. Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right.. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls! Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.50/min (charges may vary). Valentine's Day Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker. Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England. If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop. The Kiwi knocks off three biscuits, placing them into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn't notice. The Kiwi says to the Aussie: "You'll never beat that!" The Aussie says to the Kiwi: "Watch and learn!" He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the biscuit which the Aussie promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit." The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Australian eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?" The Australian says: "Look in the Kiwi's pocket! "

Happy Australia day lads 'n lasses i know you eill all be celebrating

Looks good, miss my Greggs pasties and sausage rolls.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.." And he points to a ladder that Rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still." Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up." Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes, please, God." God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!"

Too many XXXX i meant to write (all the Best) sorry mate

All the beast to 3G and Alison

Seasons greetings to all my pals on BF and all the best for the coming New Year

Thanks mate that would be appreciated...........

Mal you know what a great man once said .....you can keep some of the people happy for some of the time but you can't keep all of the people happy all of the time cheers Brian

Another one is Blister .........shows up when the works done

Have a gudun Keefy ol' fella

Pies pies whats wrong with pies they are healthy for you arn't they

Thanks for the snow ggg ?

Freezing here too down to 34 yesterday sorry guys

Mine is a 1989 Harley Heritage i have had it from new

Killed and roasted my first quail last night ........delicious

i have never seen them for sale in this country i wish i could

Didn't win win at least i got my outlay back with a third placed Who shot the barman. Hope they get a replacement barkeep in my local tonight

Have they got rid of 'em (windows)

i go with Keith on tartan but over here Toohey's new gives me a whoppin head ache in the morning

Happy Birthday 4G

21/24 reasonable for a Aust based Brit

Do we watch it in real time or is there a delay ?