Brian Cross

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , Wales you bloody idiot!" Therefore, I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?" And that's the last thing I remember.

Happy Birthday Mal with many more to look forward too mate

Ahkmed the Arab came to England from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said, 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.' Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?' The doctor said, 'You were homesick.'

I PLAY GOLF ON FRIDAYS! Ellen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow! Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

What is happening with the Scottish referendum about leaving the Union,is it a concern or doesn't any one give monkeys ?

Brilliant Malcolm a must watch thanks

As You Mature, It's The Little Things That Don't Seem To Matter As Much As They used To! This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." I mean, when you are over sixty, who gives a shit? I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." When you are over sixty, who gives a shit? I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." When you are over sixty, who gives a shit? I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you are over sixty, who gives a shit? I went to the pub last night and saw an obese chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs." She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Honestly, when you are over sixty, who really gives a shit?

At a local bar in downtown Powell River, ​​ The owner & bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money. Many people had tried,.....over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok,..." He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the hell outta it..... Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter so turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for Australian Tax Office."

An old bloke, about 65, got a job interview. The personnel officer asked him "what is your greatest weakness"? The old bloke replied " my honesty." The personnel officer said "I don't think that is a weakness". The old bloke replied "I don't give a f**k what you think."

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD > MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER > PARCHED THROAT. > > SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE > STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A > YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND > A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. > > > THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING > "HEY" OLD WOMAN HAVE YOU EVER DANCED" > > > THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER > DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO." > > A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, > YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD > WOMAN'S FEET. > > THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF > -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. > > WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL > LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE > SALOON. > > THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A > DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. > > THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE > CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. > > THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND > VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. > > THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN > AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. > > THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S > HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS? > > THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE > ALWAYS WANTED TO." > > THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE: > > 1 - Never be arrogant.. > 2 - Don't waste ammunition. > 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. > 4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power. > 5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid... > > I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Hi Tony P Bugs are delicious also known as Morton Bay bugs they are similar in texture and taste to a Lobster some times they are boiled until cooked some people do them in a seafood sauce but any way way you will like them i am sure Brisbane is nice and Scarbourgh is a nice suburb.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?* The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .' The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.' A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,.......... 'Your house!

Stay safe Vic i hope the worst is over

I'm with you Vic

Beef or pork they both made the most delicious dip

They are well fed almost full size (around 485 grms) and the first batch of eggs are due out of the incubator to-day

The sugar in newspaper resembling a small hat

Any idea of the year Maggie ?

My Grandad Albert Moore Gibbon was killed six days before this war finished near a town in France named Awoight and he is buried in the British cemetary there

Have a good'un Adam

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH > >A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. > >The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' > >The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. > >His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. > >After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' > >The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. > >How much was the sale for? '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed,‣124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' > >'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' > >'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department >and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' > >'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4. > >The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' > >'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said, ' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Scamchuns or Scratchings all the same delicious when you a hungry kid ................

Sorry HPW i forgot to include the Tune

I can remember my Granma putting words to this tune; Al of a sudden a big black puddin went flying thru the air it missed me Mutha and hit me Fatha and knocked him off his chair............................ and so on