Malcolm Robinson

The Hunter An 86-year-old very wealthy man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 yr.old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.' 'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..' 'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. ''Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your flipping brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Apparently it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any specific racial or ethnic minority, so here is an attempt to meet those sensitivities....... An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Bolivian, a Tibetan, a Manxman and an Ethiopian went to a night club. The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

Wonder how this one is going to be resolved............ http://uk.news.yahoo.com/huhne-charges-serious-104543316.html

Some more than others................. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2089020/Labour-minister-forced-apologise-MPs-failing-declare-60-000-payments-Unite-union.html

Abracadabra...........then they are gone! http://uk.news.yahoo.com/magician-daniels-saws-off-fingers-061038637.html

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/council-snubs-stadium-name-change-041231126.html

The government has agreed to the new proposal for a rail link between Birmingham and London. This will make it easier for families in London to visit their relations in Birmingham. The Department of Transport has released an artist impression of the new high speed train.

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies". To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".__

Shane and Phil were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Phil said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Shane says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Phil wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Shane. Shane says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Phil says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Shane says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Phil says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?' 'No.' 'Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '

Not the Mods Symptoms its automatic.

First one looks a lot like a chopped version of Stallone's car in Cobra, which I think was a 1950 Mercury.

Beer, fishing, sex & shooting: This summer a man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on shooting instead of food?" The man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't shot in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, shooting and sex."

THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE: A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have a golf ball.' Man - 'That's nice.' Boy - 'Want to buy it?' Man - 'No, thanks.' Boy - 'My dad's outside.' Man - 'OK, how much?' Boy - '£250' A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - 'Dark in here.' Man - 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have sand wedge.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' Boy - '£750' Man - 'Sold..' A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball; let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge, dad.' The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?' Boy - '£1,000.' The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.' They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that crap with me again. You're in my closet now.'

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. . . . "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Kitchen and food news: This woman is 51 yrs old. She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and health, and promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet which is high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation, and supplements. This woman is also 51. She is Nigella Lawson... a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, and desserts. .... and, she washes it all down with wine! I REST MY CASE.

John, Just read the home page for the Bedlington Saxon entry. Were Morpeth and Newbiggin settlements in 660AD? I was about to write up a skit about Bedlington being the original settlement. A few Picts came down to have a bit of a crack and stopped at the banks of the Wansbeck to get over their hangovers on their way back and stayed, making a Morpeth settlement. Blyth was just a place where Vikings could tie their boats up at and the females of that area could ply their trade in the huts which sprang up on what became the quayside. Ashington was a midden until full-scale coal production was started there and became the world's biggest pit village. Cramlington was and is just a 1960's town planner's wet dream! That sort of thing but if we can't claim Bedders was the original settlement I might have to think up another angle!

Good stuff John............

Doesn't take our wags long........... Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cheddar? How dairy! I went to see Ready Steady Cook the other day. It was fantastic. Antony Worrall Thompson absolutely stole the show. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed up Worrall Thompson's jacket. Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting milk, yeast and flour from his local Tesco. He's clearly run out of dough. There's no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're using the Worrall Thompson recipe book. Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cheese and wine. And that was only for starters. Wozza was caught stealing cheese from Tesco. He should have done it more Caerphilly. I don't care what he's done, I'm still hanging on to my Antony Worrall Thompson blender. Better the Breville you know Asked how he feels about stealing cheese, Antony Worrall Thompson admits it wasn't very mature.

Don't be facetious you young whippersnapper! Back in the days of Yore, when men were men and sheep were frightened, there was a black plastic disc with undulations for a needle to run on. By a series of magical incantations it was possible to get sound out of this set up, which was called a gramophone. It did have to be in a sterile environment or fluff would build up on said needle and distort any sound which was produced. Also there was a need for everyone listening to it to be completely still or a much dreaded scratch might ensue and that could completely destroy the disc. These were originally all large discs but the popularity of certain beat combo bands and the gullibility of the general public meant much moolas could be made by unscrupulous alchemists who started producing smaller discs with only two songs on. These were rated A and B and spawned a whole new industry.

Many happy returns........

Got the vinyl of this somewhere...........

No, I thought 'Wor Lass' had let one off!

So what was it?

I was asking people about that too. I was fairly sure it had been an earthquake. Deep rumbling noise and there were vibrations which knocked a couple of things over. The dog was barking and the cat ran upstairs. I thought the Martians had landed.