I figured out the chord sequence for the Casualty theme tune the other day..................... It's just A & E I had a really strange dream last night in which I just kept repeating, 'Hobbit, Hobbit, Hobbit!' My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep Got my first Cage Fight at the weekend , That budgie wont know whats hit it My mate just hit me over the head with a power tool, one minute I was minding my own business then, Bosch! Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up My gran laughed when I told her I was going to make a car out of spaghetti.................She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta. My brother took being sent to Jail really badly!, Wouldn't eat or drink at first, swore and spat at anyone who came near him. ..............It was so bad in fact, we haven't played monopoly since .. Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife 43 who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy. My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy................................... Nothing. Sometimes you just can't win. I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes later she said, Will you go away and shut the toilet door!! Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat, that's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month, time to change supplier I think. 2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.