Canny lass

Number 13 - Ken MacDonald

Hubby and I went to town to visit a shop. When we came out there was a warden writing a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said “Come on, man. Give a senior citizen a break”. He ignored us completely and kept on writing. I called him an idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn-out tyres, so my hubby called him a thickhead. He finished writing the ticket and put it on the windscreen together with the first and continued writing more tickets. This went on for another twenty minutes – us calling him names and him writing more tickets. Finally he finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived so we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with ‘TRUMP 2016’ stickers because we try to have a little fun each day, now that we are retired. It’s so important at our age!

A five year old girl is usually driven to school every day by her granddad but when he had a bad cold she was driven by grandma instead. When she came home she told her parents that the ride to school was very different when granny was driving. “What made it so different?” her parents asked. “Grandma and I didn’t see a single t#sser, blind b@*tard, foreign pr!ck or w@#ker the whole of the journey”.

BEING BRITISH Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home (grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way) to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign! Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E; in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars. and finally... In 2000, eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Divine intervention there was! I have it on very good authority that Mt Ararat was not the work of he who created all, rather the result of Noah having had a good muck out on the ark. When the Ark then ran aground on this 'man-made' obstacle there was absolutely nothing there. The prospect of sitting it out waiting for the next flood made the lads grumpy so 'him upstairs' sent grape-vines and a recipe - knowing, in his infinite wisdom that the land would be very fertile.

... then all i can say is that gravitational force seems to have an affinity for the lighter of the two! I haven't seen ANYTHING drooping on Usain Bolt!

Here's another one to watch out for - Wintergatan (The Milky way)! Totally blown away by what this local group has to offer! Watched a 1½ hour live show at Göteborgs kulturkalas (Gothenburg Culture Festival)) last night. The marble machine (Google it, if haven’t already seen it) wasn’t on stage. Apparently there are too many problems with dried out elastic bands and escaping marbles but a new machine is in the making that will be able to withstand the trials and tribulations of being ‘on-tour’. I look forward to that! They’ve just started touring outside of Sweden – Germany earlier this year – but keep an eye out for them.

For all those, spurred on by the sight of athletes in lycra shorts and now wishing to 'get in shape' for the festive season (which will be upon us all too soon)...... Ask the dietician: Q. Can I reduce my stomach by doing sit-ups? A. Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle it gets bigger. Therefore, you shouldn’t do sit-ups – unless of course you’re trying to get a bigger stomach. Q. Is swimming good for the figure? A. Have you ever seen a slim whale? Q. I’ve heard that sport is good for your heart and can give you a longer life. Is it true? A. The human heart is programmed to beat a given number of times during a lifetime. Don’t waste them on sport!! When you do sports your heart beats faster and you shorten your life. If you want to live longer take a nap. Q. Should I cut down on meat? A. Try to be logical about this. What does a cow eat? Grass. And what is grass? Vegetarian food. So, a good steak is nothing more than an efficient way to eat vegetarian food. Eat chicken and you eat sweet corn. A pork chop gives you the total recommended daily dose of vegetables!! Q. Should I reduce the amount of alcohol I drink? A. No, no, no! – just the opposite. Wines are made from fruit. Spirits are made by distilling wine (that means that they remove the excess water), so you are left with even more of the fruit – which is the healthy part! By the way, beer is made from grain and hops – in other words FIBRE. Q. Is chocolate unhealthy? A. Are you joking!! Cocoa beans = beans, and beans, pulses etc. are the healthiest things on earth as everybody knows. Q. Is it important to be in good shape? A. Round is a shape as good as any other!

A middle-aged man woke up one Saturday morning to find his bike missing. Fearing that the bike had been stolen, he turned to the local priest for help. The priest wondered why the man had come to him and not the police. “Well, I thought that perhaps somebody might confess their sin to you”. “I am bound to secrecy”, said the priest “and I wouldn’t be able to reveal any names. However, I might be able to help you in another way. Tomorrow, when I read my sermon I’ll read the Ten Commandments. When I get to ‘ thou shalt not steal’ you can have a look around and see if you can see anybody with a guilty look on their face”. The sermon went according to plan and as promised, the priest rounded off by reading the Ten Commandments. After the service, the man met the priest in the Sacristy. “How did it go?” asked the priest. “It went very well” replied the man, “but not in the way we had planned. When you got to ‘thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife’ I remembered where I had left my bike”.

An old lady walks into a cosmetic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three procedures. The first is for £1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is £3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is £5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years." The old lady says "Well tell me about them." The doctor says, "For £1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for." She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one." He explains, "For £3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years." The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one." The doctor replies, "For £5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw." The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!" The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your boobs and if you keep messing with that screw, pretty soon you're going to have a goatee beard!"

You'd never cope! there's more to being a woman than drinking wine and cooking: There's taking your man out for the evening, paying for the pleasure and being an unpaid, SOBER chauffeur. Then, there's shopping for shoes! There's also pots to wash and clothes to iron and did I mention shoe shopping? School runs and laundry, dusting and polishing and shoe shopping! And, of course, there's home fires to be kept burning: trees to fell, chain saws to be oiled, logs to cut, kindling to collect - if you can find the time in between shopping expeditions Now get that pinny off and get the wife another glass of wine!

Not sure, Eggy. I can only count to ten. If the good Lord had wanted me to count to 14 he would have given me 14 fingers! Seriously, I couldn't get my head past the 'alcoholic' type of bar. Sign of a misspent youth, Im afraid!

... and did you have to have an adult with you?

Where were you when you took that picture?

I've had this in my head all day and the penny has just finally dropped! Massive senior moment!

What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning? She gets up, gets dressed and goes home. When do blonde hookers get angry? When they find out that the others are charging. Why was alcohol created? So that brunettes could also have fun.

I'm not going to ask ...

Where do men go when they get up in the middle of the night? 5% go to the fridge 20% go to the toilet 75% go home

Cheeky b!

I consider myself well and truly chastised! It's not like me. I don't know what came over me!

Life should be lived backwards! Just think how that would be … The most unfair thing about life is that it always ends in death! It ought to be the other way round. We should die first, then it’s over and done with and out of the way. Then we chould have a few years in an old people’s home before being kicked out for being too young and healthy and when we start work we should get a gold watch on our very first day. Then we could work 40 odd years until we are young enough to really enjoy having a pension, drink and party, party, party! Time for infant school next - a little kid with no need for responsibilities and then on to being a baby before spending the last nine months at a spa with central heating and food deliveries. AND the whole thing would be rounded off with an orgasm!

This one's better!

This new shop, will it replace Morrisons?

Here are some handy tips about wine. First and foremost, it’s important to be able to tell the difference between red- and white wines: The easiest way to do this is to spill a drop or two on a white tablecloth. The wine that leaves a purple stain is a red wine. Real connoisseurs can tell a red from a white simply by tasting. Port wine is a wine that is served in port. If you don’t live near a port, a marina, lake or even a paddling pool will do. When you serve a dry wine, make sure that that it’s not windy, or that any of the guests are about to sneeze. In such circumstances you’ll probably get wine dust all over the room. At parties, the following tips can be useful if you think you may have drunk too much wine: Some words are difficult to say when you’ve drunk too much: - Insurmountable - Innovative - Preliminary Some words are even more difficult to say when you’ve drunk far too much wine: - Constitutional - Substantiate - Pecuniary Some words are impossible to say when you’re way over the limit: - No thanks, no more wine for me. - Thanks, but I don’t want sex. - Sorry, you’re not really my type

Google chrome for me as well.