Canny lass

You divvent gaan on enough man and while aa naa nowt aboot fleas in pits (apart from the top-end pitcher hoose) a dee naa that baits an pits belang tegither, so here wad be a good place ti write aboot them. Hope everything is OK with Mrs. HPW:

No wonder we couldn't find it!

How the Internet Started (according to the Bible)... In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

An unemployed man applies for a cleaning job at Microsoft and is called for an interview. The personnel officer sets a simple test of his cleaning skills and is very pleased with the result. She tells him he’s got the job and asks him to leave his e-mail address at the reception so that she can send him the necessary employment forms to fill in. The man replies that he doesn’t have a computer, let alone an e-mail address. The PO says that as he has no e-mail address he doesn’t exist in the virtual world and therefore he can’t have the job. Heartbroken, the man leaves the building. He has only 10 dollars in his pocket. He buys 10 kg tomatoes, sells them door to door and doubles his money. He does this several times and finally scrapes together 160 dollars. He now realizes that he could make a living selling tomatoes, so he starts very early in the morning and comes home very late at night. Almost every day he doubles his money. Next step is to buy a little car so that he can cover a larger area and build up a bigger circle of customers. It pays off, so he buys a truck and then another. Finally he owns a whole fleet of trucks with which to serve his ever growing circle of customers. Within 5 years he owns the USA’s biggest chain of grocery stores. He still thinks about his, and the family’s, future so he contacts an insurance broker to see what he can do about financially securing their future. They discuss various insurance plans and finally agree on what would be best for the man and his family. The broker asks him to leave his e-mail address with the secretary on the way out so that he can send some forms to fill in. The man replies that owns neither a computer nor an e-mail address. The broker is surprised. “That’s amazing. You’ve built up a whole empire yet you don’t have an e-mail address. Think what you could have achieved if you’d owned a computer!” “Then, I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft”, replied the man. What can we learn from this? 1. Internet is not a life-saver. 2. If you want to work for Microsoft you need an e-mail address. 3. Even without an e-mail you can still be a millionaire – if you work hard. 4. If you received this story by e-mail, you stand a greater chance of becoming a cleaner than a millionaire.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

That must be keeping your grocery bills down!

A young priest was so nervous about his first Holy Communion service that he had difficulty finding his words and couldn’t speak properly. Prior to his second Holy Communion service the elderly Archbishop contacted him and gave him some advice about how to be more relaxed. He suggested that the young priest take a few drops of vodka in a glass of water. “You’ll notice immediately how relaxed you will feel”. The following Sunday, the young priest took this advice and on starting the communion service he was delighted to feel at ease with himself, in particular, and the world in general. The sermon and communion went fine. The priest had no difficulties with his words and he didn’t stutter once throughout the whole service. The following day, he received a letter from the Archbishop: “Dear father, Next time, you should put a few drops of vodka in a glass of water - not a few drops of water in a glass of vodka! Here are some of the ‘mistakes’ I noticed during the service. Hopefully they won’t be repeated next Sunday: - the small bowl at the side of the altar is not a toilet. - try not to lean against the statue of Our lady and do not touch her in inappropriate places. - The Commandments are 10 in number - NOT twelve. The disciples, on the other hand, were 12 - NOT seven and NONE of them were dwarfs! - we do not refer to Our Lord as ‘Jessie the man’. - neither do we refer to Judas as ‘that blasted gossipmonger’ – Usama bin Laden had nothing to do with Jesus’ death. - sinners will be sent to Hell, NOT to the Highlands - the person who sat in the corner to the left of the altar, to whom you referred as ‘that mouldy old transvestite’, was me. I hope that these ‘mistakes’ will be rectified in your next communion service. Yours faithfully The Archbishop

You must have the updated version of Live. I don't have sound yet.

It certainly is a pity. Bedlington could be doing more.

Is there anything happening in Bedlington today?

An Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a pub and boasting about their success with women in general and their stamina in particular. By the end of the night the figures are getting quite high. They decide to have a competition, pick up two women and book into a hotel. Before going to their rooms they agree to write the result on the board in the hotel lobby. The Englishman goes all out for the record but after three rounds he’s finished. He goes down to the lobby and puts three strokes on the board. Then he goes back to bed and sleeps like a log. The following morning the Irishman, out of breath and with shaking knees, makes his way down the stairs and goes to the lobby. He goes to the board to write his result but when he sees the Englishmans three neat strokes he gets upset: “One hundred and eleven! Sh*t! Beaten by four!”

Nice to hear a success story, Vic! It's not unusual here, in outlying places, that 3 or 4 houses club together to buy one. Apparently, they're not too expensive. I know that the defib in the nearest village has twice been put to good use in the last 18 months.

Quasimodo, haha! very funny! Yes, I remember him now that I see his face (Arras, I mean).

A blind man goes into a bar for gay females. He takes a seat at the bar and says, rather loudly, to the barmaid: “Have you heard the one about the blonde baker’s assistant?” The whole room goes quiet and the woman on the seat next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, there are a few things you should be aware of: 1. The barmaid is blonde 2. The bouncer is blonde 3. I’m a blonde. I’m also six foot tall, weigh 80 kilos and have a black belt in karate 4. The woman next to me is also blonde and she’s a weightlifter 5. The woman on your left is a blonde as well. She’s a wrestler. Think very carefully! Do you really want to tell that joke?” The man thinks for a while and then replies: “Not if I’ll have to explain it five times”.

Lovely, lovely photo, Vic! One that all the family can look back on for many years to come. Weddings are great for getting everybody under one roof. My lot are spread out from Bristol to Aberdeen so a wedding makes sure i don't have to miss anybody.

Everybody, get along to this! It take's only minutes to learn, it's easy. Nothing to be afraid of. The defibrillator talks to you and gives you instructions all the time. And when you've been there please keep up to date on where to find the nearest defibrillator. It's very important that someone knows where it is, and goes to collect it while someone else is giving CPR.

The name rings a bell but I can't put a face to it. I just googled 'Arris'. It has Greek origins.

Thank heavens it's over. The garden is overgrown with weeds. I might get some work done now. Good while it lasted though. Very proud of Sjöström's gold, silver and bronze. Clearly a woman after my own heart who knows the importance of having accessories to match every outfit. And didn't the women's football team do well with a silver!

The boy's name Arris, while not one of the most common names, wasn't too rare at the beginning of the 20th century. There was one in my family born 1917.

On the subject of procreation ... In the beginning God created Adam. Adam sat and looked at the moon, the stars, the lakes, rivers, flowers, animals and everything else which God had created. God felt that Adam needed some company so he created Eve and waited for nature to take its course. Nature did not take its course. God waited for something to happen but Adam and Eve weren’t interested in each other. One day, when Adam and Eve were pottering in the garden, God said to Adam: “Adam, go to Eve and give her a bit of a cuddle”. “What’s a cuddle?”, asked Adam. When God had explained, Adam went to Eve and gave her a bit of a cuddle. When he came back, God said: “Adam, go back to Eve and give her a kiss”. “What’s a kiss?”, said Adam. When God had explained, Adam went to Eve and gave her a kiss. When he came back, God said: “Adam, go to Eve and have sex with her”. “What’s sex?” asked Adam. When God had explained, Adam went to Eve to have sex with her. After a while he returned. God could see that Adam was perplexed and asked him what was wrong. Adam answered: “What’s a headache?”