Some of the not so famous Irish related quotes Remember, all you untrained Irish lads, the tin foil is not to be used in an emergency. It is only there to stop the product from Perishing * British Labour MP JOE ASHTON commenting on the 1985 liberalisation of Ireland's condom laws. He suggested a new brand called Thick Micks. Jack Charlton's team of international misfits * ITV commentator in build up to Italia '90 Bono, 26, is the charismatic pony-tailed singer and his rock band, U2, became Britain's most exciting act since The Beatles * THE SUNDAY TIMES quick to acknowledge one of their own Mountjoy (Dublin's main Jail) was absolute hell, a total nightmare... It was the worst time of my entire life. I thought I was going to be killed, but the prisoners were alright * JOHNNY ROTTEN of The Sex Pistols As a kid, being Irish was being different, so I always told everybody that I was Irish. My parents had all these rebel songs on albums... So I just feel that I have a bit of Irish in me. I've got an Irish boyfriend, so I've had quite a bit of Irish in me quite a few times * BOY GEORGE It looks like the sort of game that should be illegal * BRETT ANDERSON of pop group Suede on hurling (Gaelic Sport) It's just real cool to be here and to meet real Irish people straight from Ireland. My family come from the Mulligan, Sheridan, O'Connell, you know what I'm saying? * EVERLAST, singer with American rappers House Of Pain All they got in LA is sun-tanned faggots. Not like the real men you got here in Dublin * Rock star JON BON JOVI You Irish must be nuts. Imagine Catholics killing Protestants and Protestants killing Catholics. Why don't the Catholics and Protestants get together and kill all the !*!@# ? * New York cabbie to SEAMUS MARTIN of The Irish Times Faith and Begorra, there's no better way to begin an Irish fling than with O'Delta Airlines * DELTA AIRLINES brochure I'm glad for the fans back in Ireland * ALAN McLOUGHLIN (RoI) speaking in Belfast after his famous Windsor Park equaliser (N. Ireland 1-1 R. of Ireland) Hello Dublin! * DAVID BOWIE on stage in Slane, Co. Meath Hello London! * Singer STEVIE NICKS on stage in Dublin Tell me Phil, why did you leave Genesis? * New York socialite to Derry composer PHIL COULTER Mr Paisley has never had a good word to say about anyone other than himself and Jesus Christ, whom he refers to as His Maker - a Rather poor testimonial * Writer JAMES CAMERON The people of Dublin are equally as British as the English, if not more so * Ulster Protestant candidate Mr. MICHAEL BROOKS makes a brave but doomed bid for a Donegal Dail (Republic Parliment) seat, 1987 Get married again * Taoiseach (Irish PM) CHARLES HAUGHEY to woman asking for an increase in the widow's pension After the break we'll have more comedy in 'Cheers' * RTE continuity announcer after highlights of The Republic's 1-4 home defeat by Denmark A blonde decides to do something she hasn't done before, and goes to the video store to rent her first X-rated adult video. After looking around the store, she selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain stating, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there is nothing on the tape but static." The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'" A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday. She spends$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the salesclerk "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question.She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47!" Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home,she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead". The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After several minutes she says, "Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That's amazing. How do you know?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's." A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter,and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order tomake a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!
