Brian Cross

How Moses got the 10 Commandments.... God went to the Arabs and said, "I have the Commandments for you that will make your lives better. The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested." God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested." Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested." Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested." Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10." There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

We were lucky here again no damage to report but not so the folks up north I don't think any deaths reported and that was a miracle . but the damage was immense to homes businesses and farms.

Its (the cyclone) is forecast to hit the coast around about Cairns south to Townsville this is the second one to run into the Qld coast in a week I feel sorry for the poor buggers,on the news last night it said if it is as large as expected it could destroy 10 thousand homes. Now both Govts are panicking but its too late to panic they need answers.

Here in Australia scientists were until recently working on a process to make coal clean or minimal harmful emissions when burnt i don't know what happened but the concept was suddenly dropped by the Federal Govt .....

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs; a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.' At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something, 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?' He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.' Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?' He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry.' Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar: COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH $3.50 HAND JOB : $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?" The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Yes Sir , I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real f#@*&$% good because I want a cheeseburger."

Good one Merlin.....

i thought that..........

Just on the tip of my tongue .........

Hi all just to let anyone who may be interested know, to-day is Australia Day and this proud nation has a day off work to celebrate so to be patriotic in an Aussie way me and mine are going to Burrum heads for a BBQ breakie and a BBQ lunch followed by a swim and a snooze ....(Glad the rain has gone)

Oh Yea

Supper This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself." So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town."

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?" The madam replies $60. "Wow, what do I get for that," he says. She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt.â€

i dunno Merlin i just don't know guess i was just having a laugh.. :wtf:

could be sing or singer or maybe singh ....i must remember to re evaluate my medication.

Is this the singing Singh we are talking about or the shopkeeping Singh from Bedlington

short and sick lol

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor,I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

i remember Bacci's well from my schooldays.

and a good butcher shop too, good days for the oval.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside... "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't likeguns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whatta !*!@# are you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?" P.S Its a beautiful day here in Hervey Bay.

Our town is virtually cut of from the north and south, the supermarkets are almost out of food, milk bread included fuel supplies have run out except for essential services. but the devastation here is no where near as bad as those to the west and south west .........our Federal Govt has graciously donated 1 Million towards flood relief they are in cloud nine and not in touch with reality only a couple of weeks ago i read we had given Indonesia a cool 474.700.00 in aid ,,,,,,Brian

The Fairy & The Immigrant A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside Centrelink 'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children.' The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'. The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Vaucluse, Sydney, with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here. PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music. 'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand. I want to be Australain with Australian clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the Aussies. PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?' The fairy said. . 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet f*** all like the rest of us.

LONDON LAWYER versus GLASGOW COP A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain he's had a better education than any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense. Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.' London lawyer says, 'What for?' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' London lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.' London lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop; that's the law, Licence and registration, please!' London lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive Double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told me LAST year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore!