Malcolm Robinson

These people can lie looking directly into your eyes! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8697360.stm

Dear Mr. Cameron, Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed 2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed 4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed 5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... And there's your money back in duty/tax etc It can't get any easier than that! P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. Also...... Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out. Think about this (more points of contention): COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

If it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any!

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know > each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of > course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. > The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom > broom > was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the > wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to > the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!' > 'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the room broom. Are you ready for this? Brace > yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!! 'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. Þ Þ Þ Þ "I just want to tell my wife for the last time, the word is sternum."

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch , and margaritas into urine..

Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair... Arriving in a hotel in > Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The > barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." > Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over > his money....... "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the > barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until > 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland". "That is remarkable value", > Michael comments. > > "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. > That will be 3 euro please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink > and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. > "That'll be an extra 2 euro. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it > would have only cost you a Euro." "I think you may to be too big for the > seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". Michael attempts to > sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he > complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't > fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your > seat sir". O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have > brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't > pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro." > > O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on > the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the > manager". "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that > will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I > am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary." "I've had enough! What sort of Hotel is > this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on > speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E-mail address, or if you wish, you can > contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free > phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a > talking charge of only 10 cent per second". > > "I will never use this bar again". "OK sir, but remember, we are the only > hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro!"

Planned 3p fuel duty rise in January to be scrapped. August 2012 duty rise reduced from 5p to 3p A welcome response from the Chancellor but...... Reacting to news in the Chancellor's Autumn Statement that the January 3p rise in fuel duty is to be scrapped, Quentin Willson, spokesman for FairFuelUK said, 'This is a victory for FairFuelUK but only a stay of execution. We've saved the UK 9p since March in proposed fuel duty rises and we are now the gatekeepers of fuel sanity for this country. We're going to carry on pressurising this government to keep duty down and reduce it significantly. If we don't they'll hike it up again the first chance they get''. Peter Carroll who runs FairFuelUK said, 'Adding another 3p a litre at this critical time for the economy would have been economic madness. It's a little like a sick man being told that he was going to get worse, but then being told he's not! Like the sick man, the economy is still in a bad way. Petrol & diesel remain far too expensive. We will be fighting on to try and make the Government understand that the economy needs an actual cut in fuel duty – a cut would create jobs, give people a little more disposable income and stimulate the economy. This will mean that the Government and the Chancellor will gain, not lose, by cutting duty'. Theo De Pencier, Chief Executive of the Freight Transport Association (FTA) said, 'We have avoided a horrendous New Year's hangover; January's rise would have cost the industry around £325m. But while we are relieved that the Chancellor has steered us out of immediate danger, it is obvious that getting the UK back on the road to recovery requires a long term fuel duty strategy, and one which doesn't make already tough times that much tougher for businesses in an already uncertain economy. Today's decision will help to keep the wheels of industry turning. But the government must now look at taking more substantive steps to invoke a longer term fuel duty policy that doesn't punish business, prevent growth and grind those wheels to a halt.' Geoff Dunning, Chief Executive of the Road Haulage Association (RHA) said, 'We welcome this news. This will go some way to alleviating the impact of escalating fuel prices for all users. However, this can only be regarded as a short term fix. If the UK is to have any chance of economic recovery it is imperative that a long term solution to this problem be found as a matter of extreme urgency'. Adrian Tink of the RAC said, 'It's a victory for common sense. With people paying in excess of £1300 per year just to go about their daily lives this needs to the first, not the last, step. This is welcome short term relief, but what is the Chancellor's plan if prices keep going up next year' The FairFuelUK campaign is backed by the RAC, the RHA and FTA. It achieved a major Parliamentary debate on 15th Nov to discuss the crisis of petrol & diesel prices. MPs from all Parties backed the call for a rethink on fuel duty. The FairFuelUK campaign has attracted the support of more than 200,000 members of the public and over 150 Parliamentarians. As ever, the more people that sign up to www.fairfueluk.com, the louder and more effective our voice becomes. So please, pass on this message to family, friends and contacts urging them to sign up and to follow us on Twitter - @FairFuelUK Thanks again for all your support in the fight for lower petrol and diesel prices Very kind regards The FairFuelUK Campaign team Quentin Willson, Peter Carroll, Lynne Beaumont, Howard Cox The RAC, FTA and RHA www.fairfueluk.com

Just been explaining to people tonight why he must have had an affinity with our Town and area.

Seemed like a gent. Another sad loss.

American perspective but still............. http://www.businessinsider.com/european-banks-frantically-trying-to-dump-7-trillion-of-crap-assets-but-no-one-will-buy-them-2011-11

Who is doing well................... http://uk.news.yahoo.com/ghost-cities-chinas-boom-trouble-035234326.html

Nice cover........... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bDW-YQZVLw

Belgium is coming up on the radar again............. Paradoxically while other EU countries have governments changed and forced onto them because of the crisis Belgium cannot even form a national government to start and implement anything, never mind get replaced by a Troika dictate. The renegotiations surrounding Dexia might well be the catalyst. If France has to increase its 36.5% contribution to the rescue watch the French AAA rating slide! Once that starts France will have to sell national assets and the easiest to sell…..gold, if it has as much as it says it does! And that's a Belgium bank wait and see what happens when Soc Gen, BNP, CA et al come clean and have to recapitalise properly!

Neat little profiler............ http://www.payplan.c...isis-explained/

Title says it all really but here is the web site: http://www.fairfueluk.com/index.html

It shows the interconnectivity of it all Brett. Its like politics, not many people want to discuss it but it does have a direct bearing on everyday life. I would be much happier if the Uk Government were applying themselves to our economy, and I don't mean austerity cuts, rather than getting exposure trying to interfere in the Eurozone crisis. We should be trying to insulate ourselves from what is coming not getting involved more. Looks like we will either see Germany leading a Northern Euro section with the southern sovereigns amalgamated into a club which more closely suits them or if the Eurocrats and the Yanks push for carpet bombing everywhere with printed money Germany will probably have to leave the Euro anyway. Whatever way it goes there are huge repercussions for the UK.

EUROPEAN ECONOMICS in a Nut Shell. Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? Well the EU gave us a ten-million Euro grant to build a four-lane bridge, but we cheated and built a two lane bridge leaving more than enough over to fund this mansion." A couple of years later the Spanish Mayor visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's Mansion, gold taps, marble floors, it was worth at least ten-million Euros. When the Spanish Mayor asked how this could be afforded the Greek Mayor said; "You see that bridge over there?" The Spaniard replied; . . . . . . . . . . "No?"......

Just been informed we made it into the last 30 but not the last 12! Not too disappointed, the others in the competition are delivering really good work.

A Lesson in Economics: Understanding 'Derivatives.' Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit . She realises that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around about Heidi's "Drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit . By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively. A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral! At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These "Securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses. One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons. But, being unemployed alcoholics -- they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs. Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers. Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old". The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied. (Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

Nice one Brett. All together now...........AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhh.