Malcolm Robinson

But does it tell the time!

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick." The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

Why We Love Children 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead ?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pssst in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child, innocently. 'You did WHAT ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move' 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....' 'What ?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water ?' 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.' Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....' 'WHAT ?' 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water ?' ' I told you NO ! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you !' Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....' 'WHAT !' 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water ?' 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven ?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out !'' 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight ?' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.' 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress ?' The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.' 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat !' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.' 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum ?' 7. A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.' 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it ?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in maths ?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four ?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.' 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling !' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Shit ! A talking chicken !'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.' Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.' The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter ?' She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.' 10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys ?' Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.' The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him ?'

Actually Canny lass I wasn't really a cat person until I took two kittens off a guy who was mistreating them. One died having kittens and the other cost us a bomb at the vets because she had kittens at the same time as her sister and the cat rescue place wouldn't take the kittens until we proved we had the mother sterilised. I have climbed roofs to get her back, I have climbed trees to get her back and I have chased foxes away who had made her climb the trees is the first place. She has been under more cars than enough and used up every one of her 9 lives. I drove 18hrs to use the Chunnel and get her and our dog back here and they both had to have their own passports with all the appropriate veterinary stamps. It was a really pathetic sight in her last few days because she just stopped eating and lay down. The vet said it was just her time and that she had obviously had a better life than most. Seemingly cats often do this just before the end?

is that keith mooning..............

Ours has just gone too Keith.

Its more to do with Spanish politics methinks GGG!

Could this derail the Asian takeover.............FUKUSHIMA?

30th Aug on 20 Acres. Please open the PDF. ncs sports day.pdf

"My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, 'Don't be Sicily'.

Canny Lass, You had Bold, Italics and Underline highlighted?

Lost the signal a mile before Alnwick last night.

Clean coal.......................... http://tscg.biz/saintblog/2013/02/osu-create-clean-coal-energy-source-without-burning-coal.html

Watch the 'T' Bill repos, looks like they are being dumped which will again put borrowing costs up. World reserve currency soon........the Yuan!

And Gibraltar is fast becoming the Falklands in the Med! HMG warship on its way, Spain imposing high charges and refusing access to airspace. Watch that space this next week! One MEP urges..........don't go to Spain on holiday! http://www.theolivepress.es/spain-news/2013/08/14/don´t-go-to-spain-says-mep/

We should get to vote for our Prime Minister, if we have to call him a president so be it!

Is that what they call a pun Neil?

Yes but propriety means I can't!

Can't whack a Northumberland (Bedlington) accent I was told on Tuesday off someone in London!

Cyprus in the USA. http://www.globalresearch.ca/the-detroit-bail-in-template-fleecing-pensioners-to-save-the-banks/5345099

That new bailin law the EU is proposing, Article 38: 'Exceptionally and where there is a justified necessity to ensure the critical operations of the institution and its core business lines or financial stability (Article 38) the resolution authority could exclude derivatives' liabilities.' Where is most of the brown stuff, oh yes in derivatives…………….. What they thought no one would notice????????

A Sunday morning catch up. Putting Gibraltar to one side, as the distraction some are obviously hoping it will become, Spain looks to be ready to blow. Holding a higher percentage of Portuguese sovereign debt than France had with its Greece holding in 2010, itself a reason to obfuscate and distract, but also with unrealised house lending losses going upwards daily, Spain must be dreading the up to 50% haircut in sovereign debt proposed by this latest EU missive. That would be enough to tip the balance! Course we do have to keep an eye on the German elections this September but if the Frau does get back in what happens next in Euroland is anyone's guess. Her financial misters are almost lining up to either want defaulting countries kicked out of the Euro or Germany herself out. Here are 3 banks worth watching, Barclay's, DeutscheBank and SocGen, each stuffed full of the brown stuff! If the Barclay's rights issue is a flop, as is now being suggested, undercapitalisation has to be the accusation according to the ECB/EC regulators. As I have previously said DeutscheBank has itself more derivate debt than the world's GDP and is now taking severe hits on its currency trades. Course it may well be being propped up by say a group of politicos who know full well a hit on a national institution like that would be fatal for them in an imminent election! SocGen have been unloading their Greek toxicity into the ECB at breakneck speed but it will still be on the hook because of unravelling derivatives once a collapse gets under way. My personal favourite for the straw that breaks the camel's back is still Italy. Manipulating reserves and passing the parcel in a game that would amuse Machiavelli himself Italy continues to remain afloat but it is really just semantics. Looking closer to home our very own RBS is reporting profits and will soon be off the public drip according to the politicos. Really? If the wrong warlord in eastern Russia gets assassinated that could be enough to tip RBS over, looking it its Russian toxicity. Trying to break it up can't be a success, too many insiders know the crack, unless they privatise it again and sell us, the gullible public, another can of worms. Then there is the good old CO-OP, just waiting for that bucket of brown stuff to hit the fan. So all this unnerving and worrying background music and what happens, the traditional hedge against economic upset, gold, is being systematically debased? The Chinese are buying any physical gold they can get their hands on and sovereigns are asking Fort Knox for their deposits back. Wonder why they want such a depreciating asset? Amongst all this carnage and potential collapse the buffoons in number 10 and 11 Downing Street are talking the British economy up. Yes it might all be smoke and mirrors so the more smoke you blow in front of the mirror the more you can hide the real image but at the end of the day it will clear away. In an act of crass futility the new incumbent of the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street has linked interest rates to unemployment figures. One company director I read recently suggested they won't be taking on any staff without a very very good reason now because they wouldn't want to increase their borrowing costs! Bet Gideon didn't think of that one when he instructed the Canadian Goose to make his recent pronouncement. Course all it does really is to continue to rob the populous of any true worth in their FIAT holdings. Cash and its value is being eroded daily and even if you buck the system and win a bit you lose as soon as you covert back to cash to spend. It's a pernicious circle! Maybe we should be following the likes of 'Kenny boy Clarke' (Bilderberg Group member) as he buys up any land holding he can get at!

I maybe an ex-smoker but I do agree with the sentiment.