Canny lass

WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

That must be keeping your grocery bills down!

A young priest was so nervous about his first Holy Communion service that he had difficulty finding his words and couldn’t speak properly. Prior to his second Holy Communion service the elderly Archbishop contacted him and gave him some advice about how to be more relaxed. He suggested that the young priest take a few drops of vodka in a glass of water. “You’ll notice immediately how relaxed you will feel”. The following Sunday, the young priest took this advice and on starting the communion service he was delighted to feel at ease with himself, in particular, and the world in general. The sermon and communion went fine. The priest had no difficulties with his words and he didn’t stutter once throughout the whole service. The following day, he received a letter from the Archbishop: “Dear father, Next time, you should put a few drops of vodka in a glass of water - not a few drops of water in a glass of vodka! Here are some of the ‘mistakes’ I noticed during the service. Hopefully they won’t be repeated next Sunday: - the small bowl at the side of the altar is not a toilet. - try not to lean against the statue of Our lady and do not touch her in inappropriate places. - The Commandments are 10 in number - NOT twelve. The disciples, on the other hand, were 12 - NOT seven and NONE of them were dwarfs! - we do not refer to Our Lord as ‘Jessie the man’. - neither do we refer to Judas as ‘that blasted gossipmonger’ – Usama bin Laden had nothing to do with Jesus’ death. - sinners will be sent to Hell, NOT to the Highlands - the person who sat in the corner to the left of the altar, to whom you referred as ‘that mouldy old transvestite’, was me. I hope that these ‘mistakes’ will be rectified in your next communion service. Yours faithfully The Archbishop

You must have the updated version of Live. I don't have sound yet.

It certainly is a pity. Bedlington could be doing more.

Is there anything happening in Bedlington today?

An Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a pub and boasting about their success with women in general and their stamina in particular. By the end of the night the figures are getting quite high. They decide to have a competition, pick up two women and book into a hotel. Before going to their rooms they agree to write the result on the board in the hotel lobby. The Englishman goes all out for the record but after three rounds he’s finished. He goes down to the lobby and puts three strokes on the board. Then he goes back to bed and sleeps like a log. The following morning the Irishman, out of breath and with shaking knees, makes his way down the stairs and goes to the lobby. He goes to the board to write his result but when he sees the Englishmans three neat strokes he gets upset: “One hundred and eleven! Sh*t! Beaten by four!”

Nice to hear a success story, Vic! It's not unusual here, in outlying places, that 3 or 4 houses club together to buy one. Apparently, they're not too expensive. I know that the defib in the nearest village has twice been put to good use in the last 18 months.

Quasimodo, haha! very funny! Yes, I remember him now that I see his face (Arras, I mean).

A blind man goes into a bar for gay females. He takes a seat at the bar and says, rather loudly, to the barmaid: “Have you heard the one about the blonde baker’s assistant?” The whole room goes quiet and the woman on the seat next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, there are a few things you should be aware of: 1. The barmaid is blonde 2. The bouncer is blonde 3. I’m a blonde. I’m also six foot tall, weigh 80 kilos and have a black belt in karate 4. The woman next to me is also blonde and she’s a weightlifter 5. The woman on your left is a blonde as well. She’s a wrestler. Think very carefully! Do you really want to tell that joke?” The man thinks for a while and then replies: “Not if I’ll have to explain it five times”.

Lovely, lovely photo, Vic! One that all the family can look back on for many years to come. Weddings are great for getting everybody under one roof. My lot are spread out from Bristol to Aberdeen so a wedding makes sure i don't have to miss anybody.

Everybody, get along to this! It take's only minutes to learn, it's easy. Nothing to be afraid of. The defibrillator talks to you and gives you instructions all the time. And when you've been there please keep up to date on where to find the nearest defibrillator. It's very important that someone knows where it is, and goes to collect it while someone else is giving CPR.

The name rings a bell but I can't put a face to it. I just googled 'Arris'. It has Greek origins.

Thank heavens it's over. The garden is overgrown with weeds. I might get some work done now. Good while it lasted though. Very proud of Sjöström's gold, silver and bronze. Clearly a woman after my own heart who knows the importance of having accessories to match every outfit. And didn't the women's football team do well with a silver!

The boy's name Arris, while not one of the most common names, wasn't too rare at the beginning of the 20th century. There was one in my family born 1917.

On the subject of procreation ... In the beginning God created Adam. Adam sat and looked at the moon, the stars, the lakes, rivers, flowers, animals and everything else which God had created. God felt that Adam needed some company so he created Eve and waited for nature to take its course. Nature did not take its course. God waited for something to happen but Adam and Eve weren’t interested in each other. One day, when Adam and Eve were pottering in the garden, God said to Adam: “Adam, go to Eve and give her a bit of a cuddle”. “What’s a cuddle?”, asked Adam. When God had explained, Adam went to Eve and gave her a bit of a cuddle. When he came back, God said: “Adam, go back to Eve and give her a kiss”. “What’s a kiss?”, said Adam. When God had explained, Adam went to Eve and gave her a kiss. When he came back, God said: “Adam, go to Eve and have sex with her”. “What’s sex?” asked Adam. When God had explained, Adam went to Eve to have sex with her. After a while he returned. God could see that Adam was perplexed and asked him what was wrong. Adam answered: “What’s a headache?”

... of course, you can add: Non-smoker ............................................. smoulders round the edges and occasionally bursts into flames.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS 40-ish..............................49 Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends Athletic............................No boobs Average looking.................Ugly Beautiful...........................Pathological liar Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure..............On medication Feminist............................Fat Free spirit..........................Junkie Friendship first...................Former slut Fun..................................Annoying Gentle..............................Dull New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded.....................Desperate Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing Passionate........................Sloppy drunk Poet.................................Depressive Professional.......................Bitch Romantic...........................Frigid Voluptuous........................Very Fat Large frame.......................Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate................Stalker Widow..............................Murderer

Nr 23 is Miss CRAIGS - needlework teacher. Her father had the Railway tavern at Bedlington Station

Number 13 - Ken MacDonald