keith lockey

That's the spirit, Malcolm, we'll fight them on the beaches, in the kitchen and at the postub. And our new war cry will be "Dashing away with the smoothing iron..." All together now...

Decorating!! Decorating!! You think of decorating at a time like this. Global catastrophe looms on the horizon; the end of the world as we know it; civilization in all its dubious glory crashing to an end and all you can think of is me up a ladder putting two coats of crushed pearl on my bedroom ceiling!!! Pulleese! Obviously there are those in this community who do not take this serious so I am going to have to take command and lead a task force of stout (brave not fat) Bedlingtonians into the field. So how about Saturday night we all meet down at the picnic field at midnight wearing pixie costumes and dance to the moon goddess....what's that Merc', you do that every saturday night!! Okay then let's meet at Attlle Park dressed as the Avengers... No no no, not those ones, the other ones I can be Thor, Merc' can be Captain America; Malcolm can be Ironing Man; Adam can be the Hulk. Keith 1 can be Hawkeye the noo and Foxy can be...er...what are you like in a dress Foxy? We'll have to have a war cry; how about Aggadoo do do...

Panto custom - "Oh yes it is." "Oh no it isn't."

Malcolm, you've just found the future Mrs Lockey, who is she? where is she? How many babies does she want?

It's the same at Newcastle; there are two bars - the Goose and Three Bulls (Maybe wrong on second one). You can walk by at 10am and they are full of people - men and women - who are sitting reading newspapers and drinking alcohol. Now maybe you are right with the dimensional thing; maybe it is 9pm or 10pm on their world so it is perfectly normal. And Merc', with regards to them disappearing in an instant I would suggest you look under the tables. But enough of this frippery, I have a Tardis to assemble - just got it from Ikea - with this I will go back in time and save the world from disaster on the 21st. Fear not Bedlingtonians, if i can't save the world then i will cloak Bedlington in a protective bubble and whisk you to another dimension where we can live live as it is...er was...er will be...whatever. Klaatu berata niktu.

Easy peasy, Malcolm, the super-heroes of Table 25 invent a time-machine in the eleventh hour. (Last Orders) We go back to when the comet / meteor / asteroid / haemorroid gets shunted off course by the dark denizens of Nibiru. We land on said doomsday pebble and shunt it back into the path of Nibiru using flatulence from the twenty pints of beer - lager that we had at Table 25. The lizard men are destroyed and the world is saved and we become super-heroes and have to wear fancy costumes and pink tights. I marry Kylie Minogue and we have 25 children. Hollywood decides to make a film of our heroics and the rest is history. (Mind you I think I would prefer Robert Redford playing my part - but in his Sundance days. You must admit there is a striking resemblance...nurse, what are you doing with that syringe?)

as you know it is Xmas Panto Time Oh no it isn't.

I hear it's a labour of love, Merc', or at least it will be when mission is accomplished, but be aware you are working in a time frame here. 21st is just round the bend and there is just so much prep work to do before the big sup. Now are we dressing formally for the big event or is it just casual wear? I was thinking of fancy dress myself, a Yosemite Sam outfit or maybe Thor. By the way, they will probably make a film after the apocalypse and it will be called Table 25. I can see Brad playing me, obviously, Bruce Willis playing Malcolm Robinson, George Clooney has signed up as Adam Hogg. how do you feel about Tom Cruise as your character?

Here's some helpers Adam.

THERE ARE SOME SAD, SICK PEOPLE OUT THERE. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N5OhNplEd4&feature=g-logo

Okay folks, D Day is getting closer, so let's all have a huddle and work out how we can save Bedlington from the Mayan Prophecy. How about we all decamp to one of the town's pub cellars and live off beer and lager and wine until the cosmic catastrophe is over. We should maybe take a couple of packets of salted peanuts to sustain us as well. In fact we could connect all the pubs' cellars via a network of tunnels - I hear Mercuryg is already working on such a project. How is it going, Merc'? I believe you have connected the Red Lion, Wharton and Ridge Farm using only a garden trowel. Or maybe we could hire the Raisbeck bus to take us to this place... http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4678062/Sun-visits-Bugarach-ahead-of-Mayan-Apocalypse-prediction.html

MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE GROUP, MALCOLM.

I need them to get to the heliport on the roof of my outhouse. That's washoose to most folk. The butler broke the lift when he tried to move my chaise longue up in it. But the staircase will do for now as long as Waddington's back doesn't give up. I mean at 75yr old he shouldn't be carrying me up all those steps; but he will insist, after all tradition is a hard habit to break. Now where is he, it's way past afternoon tea and scones.

In your and my dreams, Foxy! I've got two rooms finished and I'm moving furniture out of the other two so I can get started on them. It' like painting the Firth of Forth Bridge. But one of my neighbours is going to lend me some ladders for the stairs, so that's gonna help.

TIM VINE JOKES Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again Conjunctivitis.com – that's a site for sore eyes (this year's Lafta winner) So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne' Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

From a time when men knew how to dress. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzc4i8-Vz3I

DOH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why couldn't you remind me last night. Honest injun, I clean forgot about it. I was looking forward to it as well. Too much on my mind where decorating is concerned. I mean I've been looking for tartan paint everywhere...Really sorry.

I walked up to Bedlington Front Street from my place at Terrier Close today and was nearly on my back four times. The worst was at Hirst Villas opposite old 'Pop' Clousons shop. So be warned everyone, it's darn icy out there, I hope the gritters are revving up and are stocked with Himalaya-sized salt and grit deposits.

But you'd miss them if I didn't set them.

Okay varmints, here's three new ones.

Now Merc', sit down and have some herbal tea and I'll try to explain. Jupiter the planet - Jupiter the Roman God - Now spot the difference - and I don't mean red spot the difference. One is a gaseous giant and the other is a mythical being. (Mind you he might have had trouble with gas (flatulence) but I'm not about to bring that up with him in case he sends down a thunderbolt.) PS - how did Venus get into those blue jeans?

Hi Merc', sorry about the delay in your prize but boy is it worth waiting for. Since you got Von Ryan's Express I thought you might like to relive a scene from the film. To be precise the part where they are riding on top of the train. Now I can't actually get you the Von Ryan Express so I've booked you something even better. Take a look at the tourist video because this is what you'll be experiencing. It is in the First Class carriage you will be riding in...er...on, and I've booked you a place right at the front so you can get the breeze on your face. (PS, watch out for low bridges) I would recommend you dress casually, T-shirt, trainers, brown underpants, and if someone gets on who looks like a ticket inspector it's best you try to disembark - quickish like. Anyway, enjoy the adventure and see you if...when you get back. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDb1XUyEf70

Yes you can! At least in clearer climes, and with budget (£10-20) binoculars too. They appear as tiny pinpoints of light - I saw at least three of them last year. Thank you so much, Threegee. There were exactly three 'pearls' of light that I could see last night. I am over the moon, if you excuse the pun. Now I'm going to try to find out which ones they are.