keith lockey

Malcolm, you of all people should know that Bedlington actually doesn't exist. It is like Brigadoon. We are a quasi-legendary place like Atlantis, Lemuria and Ultima Thule. People have heard of them but they are not quite sure if they are real. That is what Bedlington is like now - the Elysium Fields of Greek myth; a place where the dead go. There was a joke going round years ago that the only things in Bedlington were solicitors, supermarkets and pubs. The pubs are all but gone; we have two supermarkets - though Morrisons is unobtainable to many in the winter; and the solicitors have turned into real estate offices. We're doomed! Bedlington in the not too distant future.

Seriously honest?

Someone has just given me a telescope for nothing - I thought 'things are looking up.'

Thanks for posting that link, Threegee. I sat and watched it and could feel the tears welling up. It was actually one of the better shows, I thought, because it brought together everything Sir Patrick was trying to establish - that astronomy is for everyone. It was great to see newcomers struggling with the rudiments of telescopes. Really brilliant, and I thought the presenters were first class. But I still maintain astronomy is an expensive hobby/pastime as one of the girls said when she looked through a more expensive telescope and saw the difference in clarity. One of these days...when I win the lottery.

Was the newsagents Watsons?

Yeah, I remembered him, Keith. I also remember everybody having to get off the 'beck' at the Northumberland Arms zebra crossing when there was snow on the ground and the bus was spinning its wheels.

Was it Billy Nasbey?

Thank you Tony and Keith for those surnames. I have just been on the phone to my bro trying to remember the names and you two post them. I bumped into Alan Burk in Asherton last year, had a good natter with him. Once again, thanks lads. PS was there a driver called Billy as well?

And with the same driver - Joe.

Flat or apartment, they're still empty, and for the record I didn't know there was a difference. I just live in a luxury cooncil hoose with an ootside netty and a cree full of coals. But you have to admit one thing - the luxury apartments are a white elephant.

Yeah, sorry, I said Merc instead of Malcolm before SORRY! But well done all. I haven't had my steaming cup of coffee yet. I've tried other enemas but hot steaming coffee's the best. (Emo Phillips joke)

Rock on Malcolm. 10 out of 10 for those. Helen Mirren, Joanna Lumley, the fututre Mrs lockey, and Mery Streep. Well done Malcolm.

Well done Mercg on Joanna & Meryl - but thoust didn't nominate which ones they were, lad. No, Malcolm, no Megan Fox, and no Foxy either. (I don't think!!!!) But pucker up and keep on guessing.

HOTLIPS - GUESS WHO THE LIPS BELONG TO

I've just seen the Spanish version of the film Highlander - "There can be only Juan."

NEW QUESTION Was there a small newsagents roughly where that Cash for Clothes shop is now - Or the estates agents is - opposite the Sun Inn. I vaguely recall going in there a couple of times, up a step. They also had a newspaper rack that stood outside. Please help.

ANSWER The Incredible Shrinking Man

Good question, Adam, one I sadly can't answer. Same as you I have never seen any cars parked there. I honestly don't think anyone lives there.

Nice one Keith, you should have been a tour guide operator. But you missed out the luxurious EMPTY flats known as White Elephant Combo that now stands where the Claggy mat once stood.

Austin got a good one on me once. I went into the Terrier and he was sitting there with a bottle of broon dog in front of him. He had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. I said "What's the matter Austin." He said "I've just been to the doctors and he's put me on tablets for the rest of my life." "What's wrong with that?" I said "He's only given me one." Hook, line and sinkered. But he was a darn good accordian player - I wonder what became of that?

Four men sat huddled around the legendary Table 25. Outside a storm brewed; blinding lightning seared the gun-metal grey sky and the thunder that followed rattled the dentures in the bartenders mouth. One of the men at the sacred table leant forward, his voice a mere whisper. He was tall, grey-haired, a spit for Richard Gere some said. "We have competition.” Another man, tall and broad with the air of someone who expected obedience nodded. He was known only as MR. "So I have heard, the Fox told me.” The Fox sat in the shadows, his features obscured by the dim lighting. "They call themselves Table 21.” There were curses from the others. "We will have to dispose of them.” Another man said, his voice as hard as a miner's liver. Grey-hair nodded. "Correct, Adam, that is why I have gathered you here, for I have summoned Him to do our bidding.” There were gasps. "You mean…Him?” "Yes, Him, he who cannot be named in daylight; he who is known by many names – the Destroyer, The Shadow, Widow-Maker, LBG.” "LBG?” The others frowned. "Little Baldy Git. Last night I performed a dark rite in the outside loo of my terraced accommodation. I poured the blood of a virgin into a pit boot, added the ginger hair of a cross-eyed tom cat, mixed it with a liberal dash of Sainsbury's nutmeg and doused the lot with some Tesco mint sauce. Then I incanted to the four cardinal points and called forth He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named to meet us here at noon.” As he spoke the clock above the bar chimed twelve. There was a gust of wind and the doors of the Red Lion burst open. No one entered but suddenly a figure appeared at Table 25. The four occupants gasped. "It is He.” "Why have I been summoned?” The stranger asked. Grey-hair gulped down his dandelion and burdoch. "I…we have summoned you to do our bidding we ask that you destroy the interlopers known as Table 21.” "So be it, but my price is high, I demand a coal scuttle full of Diamonds, the horn of a unicorn, a lock of Rapunzel's hair and a packet of midget gems.” "No probs.” Said the foursome. "When can you do it?” The stranger snapped his fingers and disappeared. Ten seconds later he was back, brushing soot off his lapel. "It is done.” There were more gasps. "What have you done to them?” MR asked, his voice tremulous. "I have sent them to a world of darkness, to a place where there is no hope, to a region of punishment and torture.” "A Spandau Ballet concert?” Said the Fox. "Worse.” Said the stranger. "Newbiggin?” MR asked. "Worse.” Adam paled as sudden realisation dawned. "You mean to when she ruled?” The stranger laughed and the sound sent chills throughout the pub. "Yes, I have sent them back to when Maggie became PM and darkness descended on the world. But enough of this, I must be off, Ed Milliband has summoned me, he, too, wants to become Prime Minister, A task that not even I can perform.” There was a blinding light and the stranger was gone and the four men at Table 25 were glad they had brought spare underpants.

Absolutely true, Foxy, Austin was a broon ale drinker and one helluva crossword artist. The Terrier was full of characters like him. - domino players who could tell you what you had in your hand before you even picked up your doms. It was one of the crimes of the century when they pulled that pub down.

If I am not mistaken that was Austin Leggett that passed by Barnes. He was a character who used to get in the Terrier when I first drank there. He could play the accordian and the spoons. (Not at the same time, I hasten to add) He had a dog called Muttley and it used to get on the Raisbeck bus - by itself - get off at the Blue Bell - and go into the Bell where Austin used to also sup. One night Austin took it to the Half Moon at Stakeford with the Terrier Pool Team. He forgot about the dog when they left later that night. The landlord was woke up by Muttley howling. He turfed it out and it walked all the way home. What a dog. Austin was a true character - a bricky by trade.

Tonto means Silly - Stupid in Spanish.

She was a tough nut was granny. She must have forgot her baseball bat that night. No, seriously, she told us she could get in using a bottle / jam jar as currency. If you remember you used to get a penny or thruppence off the bottle when you took the Co-op bottles back to the shop and apparently the Wallaw had some deal like that going. As I say, I don't know that much about it, just what my granny told us, but would like to no more.