Cympil

Aye,i reckon Mongo will of had the most warnings..easily

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home. The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along!"

:lol: :lol: And most of its true

When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied. But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't lock. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume "the position". In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position". To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it's empty, the toilet roll dispenser is empty...You hover looking around in the hope there's a new roll behind you - no such luck. Your thighs start to shake more. Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the one that's still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door cubicle door and because the latch doesn't work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue, the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on the floor. If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up and... sit down ...directly onto the TOILET SEAT, Yes - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ & life form that lives on the uncovered seat. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms and down into your disheveled pants which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor. The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin itself. You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you move onto the hand blower, which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either! You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an unspoken understanding between you all. A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this". As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?" This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and it also answers that commonly asked question, "Why do women always go to the loo in pairs?" It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you tissue under the door!

Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Well since you`ve only had one person wanting the job,why don`t you give them a chance?

:lol: :lol: CK are you being a Huffy Chops

You`ve changed your tune since last week! You were gonna name and shame someone then..what`s happened,are they gonna yark ye if you do

Here you are Pete Do Not Click If Easily Offended!

do you not like me CK?

I suppose you`re living proof

Do you shake your willy and make the "woo-woo" sound often Pete?

Threegee,i don`t really think this place needs another mod. There`s never any bother on here now and hardly any swearing.If Miss Vic just popped in once a day to check things out that would be sufficient..

How many songs have you got to choose from Pete? I can`t remember how many i had at the beginning without the song pack on..If you really like the game i could send you the disc with 240 songs on for it..just let me know.

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on the floor. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Piddle. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. :lol: :lol: __________________

:lol: :lol:

I`ve just noticed your score..not bad considering you`ve just had a little go on it

Go on Pete :lol: Once you get the hang of it i bet you slaughter us

You don`t have to be really, you just have to be able to hit the right colour at the right time and if you don`t,it sounds a bit like a honk on a clowns car

I`ve had no problems with the software Pete..as for the size,when i put my pointer on the desktop icon it says 20.0kb I think that`s how you find out..i`m not too clever with computers,can you tell

Aye..and if a few more got it we`d have a proper competion

Thanks Joe

i don`t need to cheat..i`m an expert noo