Brian Cross

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home

to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu

that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the

only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also

advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around

the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last

opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate

suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,

"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque,

she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

she looks at the flabbergasted teller,

and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some !*!@#'s got my pen!'

"Beer is man's greatest invention

I admit the wheel was Good

But it doesn't go as good with pizza."

Just purchased a great caravan to do some short holidays in and it has started to rain for the first time in 6 months ........I think its the Cross luck at work.....

I miss a really good pork pie.....................

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the !*!@# - and they are interchangeable'

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.

"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, ' Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'

Very funny Mickypotts

I miss having a pint of Carling in the Percy and buying a small portion of chips at kings to eat on the way home for tea.

sadly La Torre was closed when i was home but i will get there next time i visit..........

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no toilet paper on this side either.

Never used the place if you have ever seen me dance you would understand although i think i am pretty good at around 2am....

I don't miss the ever present dog crap left on the foot paths around the Station and Gallagher park.............

Happy Birthday mate

Well it's obviously raining, so quite probably yes. If only the Radio Constructor had been bigger I could have used it to keep the Hovis dry.

Keith: it's a well-known fact that around 1960 it was always raining. People put this down to all the nuclear weapons testing going on. Secretly, I just knew that this theory was rubbish, and that it was due to man-made climate change - as a result of all the new Ford Prefects Elliotts was selling!

Sorry Foxy i can remember staggering out of the Percy and getting some Fish and Chips at the Chippy (whales) the tables and chairs were there then.

Have a good one Claire

Whats wrong with fish n chips oot the paper Brian? You can even stand undercover in the subway eating them!

Would it be safe to eat the fish and chips in the subway can you guarantee our safety Mal ?

went for a meal the other night it was closed not a good way to operate a business ...............

I was in Friday night but didn't see any 6ft 3" redheads!

Unfortunatly the 6ft3 redhead did not come with me

I am all for equal opportuity for all even us honkeys

How about a beer Wed or Thur evening Brian?

Lve too Mal butwe are going to London later this week