Brian Cross

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,

Was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all

over Ireland were coming to him in the town of

Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a

stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a

bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no

object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait

while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer

portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in da nude alright . but I has to at least leave me

socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."....................

"FATHER OF THE YEARâ€

A man boarded a plane with six kids. (gutsy guy!)

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from

him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY

Hope you enjoyed the day Micky P

Thank you Brian. I was just beginning to think this thread had died!

Her hair was up in a pony tail,

Her favorite dress tied with a bow.

Today was Daddy's Day at school,

And she couldn't wait to go.

But her mummy tried to tell her,

That she probably should stay home.

Why the kids might not understand,

If she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;

She knew just what to say.

What to tell her classmates

Of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,

For her to face this day alone.

And that was why once again,

She tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school

Eager to tell them all.

About a dad she never sees

A dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,

For everyone to meet.

Children squirming impatiently,

Anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called

A student from the class.

To introduce their daddy,

As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,

Every child turned to stare.

Each of them was searching,

A man who wasn't there.

'Where's her daddy at?'

She heard a boy call out.

'She probably doesn't have one,'

Another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,

She heard a daddy say,

'Looks like another deadbeat dad,

Too busy to waste his day.'

The words did not offend her,

As she smiled up at her Mum.

And looked back at her teacher,

Who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,

Slowly she began to speak.

And out from the mouth of a child,

Came words incredibly unique.

'My Daddy couldn't be here,

Because he lives so far away.

But I know he wishes he could be,

Since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,

I wanted you to know.

All about my daddy,

And how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories

He taught me to ride my bike.

He surprised me with pink roses,

And taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,

And ice cream in a cone.

And though you cannot see him.

I'm not standing here alone.

'Cause my daddy's always with me,

Even though we are apart

I know because he told me,

He'll forever be in my heart'

With that, her little hand reached up,

And lay across her chest.

Feeling her own heartbeat,

Beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,

Her mother stood in tears.

Proudly watching her daughter,

Who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love

Of a man not in her life.

Doing what was best for her,

Doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,

Staring straight into the crowd.

She finished with a voice so soft,

But its message clear and loud.

'I love my daddy very much,

he's my shining star.

And if he could, he'd be here,

But heaven's just too far.

You see, he was an Aussie soldier

And died, just this, past year

When a roadside bomb hit his convoy

And taught, Australians to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,

it's like he never went away.'

And then she closed her eyes,

And saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,

She witnessed with surprise.

A room full of daddies and children,

All starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,

Who knows what they felt inside.

Perhaps for merely a second,

They saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,'

To the silence she called out.

And what happened next made believers,

Of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,

For each of their eyes had been closed.

But there on the desk beside her,

Was a fragrant long-stemmed rose.

http://65.55.174.199...772d&oneredir=1

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,

By the love of her shining star.

And given the gift of believing,

That heaven is never too far.

The Penis Poem--by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the !*!@# ' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

Jackie felt it wasn't worth opening up for the especially for the club. that's disappointing to hear.

Swearing and bad behavior happens every where example, my son is a meat manager (butcher) at Woolworths supermarket Hervey Bay, the other day he saw a couple in the aisles badly dressed the man had no shirt on and they were both swearing he waited for a while but management did nothing to stop their bad behavior, it was embarrassing some elderly customers so he had to go up to them and ask them to leave of course he copped the onslaught of swearing and the like ..........

I have to say every time i return to Bedlington for a holiday my wife and i including our Bedlington family visit the Ridge farm for a meal, we were never disappointed with the food, the bar on the other hand was disgusting.... warm drinks no ice at times and bad service i am sorry it has closed its doors.

Have a ball on yr birthday Mate ............

Mercury, believe me when I tell you that there is not one word in the english language, or any other for that matter, which is unnecessary, not even the taboo words as even these have a function. By 'taboo words' I mean those dozen or so words that people avoid using in public because they think of them as harmful, embarassing or just plain offensive. Some might call them swearwords others might call them abuse.There is a lot of research both within linguistics and psychology which shows that there is a place within each language for these words and that in the right place they are totally acceptable in that they have a function (research has shown for example that swearing can be just as effective in pain management as traditional analgesia)! That which can at times be wrong, however, is the situation in which these words are used.

Taboo words, abuse and swearing are not necessarily the same thing, though the three can overlap at times. However, swearing is often used as an all encompassing label for many kinds of bad language - whatever its function - but from a purely linguistic point of view swearing refers to a strongly emotive use of a taboo word. It's an outburst which gives release to a surge of emotional energy. It has a function as a substitute for an aggressive bodily response and it can express a wide range of emotions from annoyance through frustration to anger.

Swearing isn't however confined to being an emotional response. Swearing has been shown to have a well defined social function. On the one hand it can be used to mark social distance such as showing contempt for social convention by swearing loudly in public or writing obscene graffiti on walls. On the other hand swearing can also be used to mark social solidarity, that's to say a whole group takes on identical swearing habits. i think it's this phenomenon you are seeing in the pub Chris so you are not too far from the truth when you say that "foul language and fashion are the order of the day".

When anyone joins a new group they are, consciously or otherwise, very much influenced by the group's language - swearing included. If the gang swears and you want to be one of the gang you swear too. There's plenty of research to support this. There is however one very significant difference between the two types of swearing I've mentioned. Swearing as a marker of social solidarity, by far the most common, is dependant for it's effect upon an audience and furthermore it has been shown to diminish in the presence of non-swearers.

You, Chris, think that bad language can be attributed to "a lack of education and the failure of multiple governments since the 1970's to police and to keep the English education standards high". A certain amount of prohibition in the use of swearwords does already exist in the English language. At times that prohibition is quite explicit. In the law courts, for example, it's called 'contempt of court'. In the houses of parliament it's called 'unparliamentary language' and in the media there has long been a group of words which are officially banned until after a certain time in the evening in order to prevent children being exposed to them. Even in everyday language there is an unwritten understanding of what's taboo between people and this at times becomes explicit in the form of a correction or a comment by the listener or even the user himself/herself. I should mention here that what's taboo for one person may not be taboo for another, as the situation in the Black Bull bears witness to. That is to say, a mild expletive like !*!@# may not be considered as swearing by someone who allows the c-word to roll off their tongue at the drop of a hat. Because of this it's not always clear to the user of taboo words whether or not he/she is being abusive or offensive.

I cannot agree with you Chris when you say that lack of education and governmental 'policing' on the language front is the cause of the sittuation you describe. The real problem, I believe, is that we ordinary people have lost the ability to make explicit that unwritten understanding which I mentioned earlier. In other words, we simply don't point out for people, in a nice manner, when their swearing is not acceptable. It doesn't need a school education. Both inside and outside the schools we'll still have social groups forming. Some of these will inevitably swear.´and if they don't know they are offending people, and nobody marks the boundary between acceptable and unacceptable they will continue.

You, as a landlord, have the perfect opportunity through your regulat´r contact with young people to point out for them that language needs at time to be modified to suit the surroundings, that swearing is not always acceptable, that you and other customers are offended by it and that it is undesirable in your pub. If you make it known that you neither like nor accept bad language in the Black Bull then your regulars will modify their language accordingly. Of course you may lose the odd customer but on the other hand you'd be making way for people like Mercury who prefer a pub without coarse language. It's a win-win situation for you.

On a parting note, (thank goodness I hear you saying!), I must just add that my sentiments lie with Foxy. I agree wholeheartedly that it was a mistake, or even totally wrong, on Chris's part to tar everybody with the same brush in relation to their drinking and swearing habits. Mercury doesn't appear to belong to that group - and presumably many others with him, unless the Red Lion is managing to stay solve´nt with only one customer.

Certainly a different view point to what we are getting.

Wake up Australia. The amount of carbon that is produced by Australians is equivalent to a thin pencil line across a kilometre of road. The whole saga is about more tax and NOT pollution. If the Canberra TRAITORS and their bankers want more tax, then let them pay it themselves, and NOT the Australian people. It is overdue time that we stopped lavishing the privatively controlled Rothschild "Reserve" Bank which creates "money" (credit) out of nothing, which we repay with ridiculous taxes.

Is this why Yanks and the rest of the world are broke? Is this why the American people are buying up guns and ammunition by the truck load? Go figure!

Please read, more workers about to lose their jobs.

Mr. Nolan should dissolve his company and open up 126 Pty Ltd companys. Then ensure that each truck maintains a 'Theoretical carbon level below the stipulated 25000 tonnes and pay NO TAX.

Malcolm would 'Five fingered widow Brigade' have suited the situation better?

Just in mentioning our beloved P.M s nickname is JOOLIAR GILLARD.

Merlin if she meant what she said i would vote for her, having said that she has a tendency to go back on almost all of her election promises. her party is imposing a carbon tax soon that in her many election promises she openly stated would not happen here, the tax being imposed is the highest carbon tax in the world i am all for a greener place but Australian industries are at a delicate stage and if this tax is imposed they will if they can go overseas

Merlin what she was reported to have said sounds like what a majority of people think in this country,but remember two things she is a politician struggling to get as many votes as she can for her party (Labor) and there is a federal election looming

totally agree foxy the shop fronts are great. what a difference to the front street. What a nice change to be proud of some part of Wansbeck.

Hi John W....... how do you propose to raise the 5K

Subject: Instructions

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:

"computer completely !*!@# now."

Good luck to Tino and Jackie ......i hope they make a go of it mention the forum next time you visit the deli Tess.

Did not know they had made the pit heaps into a park, something else to have a look at when I come up there.

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.

The Hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

... The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

CONFESSIONAL BOX

A bloke goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side"

Thanks all can't believe its me that's 69 years young !!