Brian Cross

WEE SCOTTISH JOKE

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that all Scotsmen who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"

In an article in one of todays sunday tabloids Lenny Henry says he shuns the comedy awards as they are dominated by WHITE performers, and told of his fury at the lack of recognition for BLACK comedians. He said " I've stopped going because every time I used to present something there was a WHITE audience.

Well Mr L Henry do you think because you is Black you is funny? Or do you think because you is s.h.i.t but black you demand an award, I mean you should know, you are the un funniest BLACK man in Britain the only laugh I had was when you married that fat WHITE bint who is equally as un funny as you. And you lot don't start the Racist talk HE started it ooh but he will get away with it because he's BLACK and I am WHITE, me an' him together should make a good TOON strip. Another thing Mr Henry maybe just maybe there are no good BLACK comedians! Have you ever thought of that before you started your RACIST rant! One law for me and one law for you my BLACK friend. I would NEVER have brought Colour into it but you lot just can't let it go can you and you call us RACISTS in court when' ya after compensation man' DO ONE and QUICK

i remember pinching his turnips!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?

* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?

* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Good one Merlin i needed a laugh this morning.

i remember during the 19 40s after school was out me and my freind used to collect the peelings of potateos from teeny rices fish shop and take them to a man called surghles in eastgate for him to boil them for feed he used to get the butcher from guidepost called dennis to kill them he used to kill them by putting a sharp mettal spike on its head then hit it with a mettal hammer one day he faild to kill it with the first blow it went mental and started to run around the garden smashing every thing in its way .

Thank you, thank you, thank you and yes it was a goodun! I'll have to change my profile now as I'm no longer a "pensioner in the making". I'll get round to it when this hangover shifts itself.

Hope you have a great Birthday Canny Lass ......

Great day today at 90a.

Foster & Butters have been in during the week & gone right through with another coat of paint. The place looks pristine.

Put the studio furniture together: brilliant!

Rounded the session off witha nice cup of tea & my first sandwich from Eats & Treats. Bliss!!

Open Day coming soon! Hope to have you `round

Hi guys, thanks for the info!

Symptoms, If I'd known that as a child I don't think I'd have eaten broth after the leek show. That fertiliser must have been a well kept secret. I had no idea!!

Brian, Which kind of leek show was it that you just missed? According to Brettly there are two.

Keith, that's not a bad idea! I'll see what i can do but I'll contact you nearer the time for details so that I don't take him to the wrong type of leek show!

However, he's still driving me nuts with questions about the competitive side of the thing. How do they judge leeks? What qualities and characteristics are they comparing?

I can remember the leek show at the 'tute' in Netherton. I recall that leeks were always displayed in sets of 3, propped up against the backs of the chairs. As far as I remember the size of the leeks in each set was pretty much the same but in some sets the leeks were enormous and in others quite small. However, it wasn't always the biggest that won if my memory serves me right. Could it be that size, in this instance at least, doesn't matter?

I missed the leek show at the Percy in Sept when i visited last, it was on the day i arrived i went down to the pub in the late afternoon and there was a lot of sad looking faces around don't know if it was the booze or the faces of the losers.(serious stuff leek shows)

Nowt !

Well, I called in today at 12 o'clock. The wife and I wandered around for 10 mins or so then left. Why did we not buy anything ? Not only were we the only customers, we were the only ones in there. There was not one single stall manned, not even the snack counter. We whent across the road to the butchers (we were in there for a while because the wife can talk a glass eye to sleep). After leaving the butchers I whent back across to the market, still no-one manning their stalls, that was 12:45, so again I got what I wanted at Sonias.

I did pick up a copy of the market survey to fill in but to be honest I don't think there is even any point in filling it in. When I looked in after leaving the butchers there were some customers leaving (via Keenlysides shop) and I overheard one of them saying that, that was a complete waste of time . Frankly, I agree.

see you there Brian..... jet lag permitting ha ha

Anytime mate, and like I say I really do appreciate the feedback.

If Bedlington and Northumberland is in your blood it is there to stay ......I am a proud Bedlington terrier as was my Mam and Dad.

Happy birthday to both Mr Darn and 3G all the best lads.........

Not sure if they are Gannets or seagulls Keith, they walk in open the fridge remove all consumables and then say hello.

Three old Aussie rednecks were working up on an outback Queensland cell phone tower:

...

Coot Hooter, Hurricane Lamp* and Martin Place *.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away,

Martin says, 'Well, !*!@# me; someone should go and tell Coot's wife.

Hurricane says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Martin says, 'Where did you get that beer, Hurricane?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Hurricane replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Hurricane says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are..'

Queenslanders are good at that sensitive stuff.

My wife has done the marmalade covered ham and slow baked it in the wood oven , i agree it was lovely but our lot come around and devour everything in sight.

i thought the chimp had carked it years ago !!!

All the best Pete...

Merry Christmas to all my forum mates and all the best for the coming new year thanks for all the posts funny and serious.........BC

Have a good one Keith ......everything in moderation they say ha ha

Are the Station markets still going i was there for the first day and there was plenty of interest but they needed more types of stalls.