Brian Cross

Duz tha speak Yorkshire ?

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi us."

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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

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Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then, lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Police have just released details of a new drug craze prevalent in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire clubgoers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.Police say the dangerous practice is called `E by gum

Update on cake club - It's going well and we now have 25 members who come and go with an average of 8-10 at each event. Here's the link to the latest write up http://clandestineca...th-august-2012/

I'm please to say that Jackie at Tinos deli is now interested in getting involved! I still have a little bit of PR work to do and desperately need to do that walk in to the bedlington business'. I'm just so busy, but I'm om holiday shortly so it'll be then. Hope everyone is well.

Barry, the Aussie builder, was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it.

She was telling him what colours to paint each room.

They went into the first room and she said, "This room to be a light blue."

The builder went to to the front door and yelled out "Green side up!"

As he went back she said the next room was to be red.

The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up!"

Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan."

And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up!"

The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but, you always yell "Green side up",

"What do you say that for?"

"Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a couple of Irishmen laying turf out front."

Third from the left has the wrong leg up? A one legged Blonde's alright with me though!!

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

Well said Keith and from me RIP Neil Armstrong .........he probably had some connections with Northumberland ?

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia just so they can see their own doctor.

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for

some campaign advice, at their spacious home. After drinking several

glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his

personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see

that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just

think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.

But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how

impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his

private bathroom, . . . . . . Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed,

Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who wee'd in your saxophone."

The wife was screaming at her husband: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "And .. I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's !*!@# , he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

A college class were told to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were ; the story had to include the following three things;

1 Religion.

2 Sexuality.

3 Mystery.

Below is the only A plus short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm Pregnant, I Wonder Who Did It"

Had to be a Woman!!

The Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on Time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."!!!

They should publicly flog all vandals and put them in stocks in the market place for a weekend starting friday neet and concluding sunday neet ...............votes for and against please.

and provide rotten fruit and veggies.

Stop it now! I keep opening these posts only to see Monsta appear; my pulse rushes to find my old sparring-partner is back, then CRASH, it's an old post. He's here no longer; grief, sob, sniffle. I say Monsta return!!!!

Oh to be eight again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to "Adventure World†theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the ScreamingRoller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favourite lollies, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

New Hartley Colliery has now been leveled and the site is woodland now.

Just bairns!

WHAT!!!!!!!

When i was a kid i worked for G S Straughan filling coal bags for delivery to homes in the area, the depot was located near New Hartley colliery, does any one remember the depot i am talking about and does anything remain of the colliery and surrounds or is it all levelled now ?

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The Love Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him

to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic

and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,

dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for

her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and

saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

I have got my mate who is an expert on ancient languages to work on it, shouldn't take more than a few weeks ..... :wtf:Not sure of who it is myself.