Brian Cross

This is our P.M Julia Gillard. While stitching up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard, and her being our prime minister. The old bloke said, "Well, . . . . . . Julia is just a Post Turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post Turtle?" The old bloke said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Turtle balanced on top, that's a post Turtle." When he saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure as anything isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb idiot put her up there in the first place."

torpedo Looose!!

Subject: Christmas Golf ! Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it. We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune. I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they've lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas. It's a great morning for either sex or golf ' . and she said ... "Take a sweater."

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S SECRET In case you didn't already know this little tidbit of trivia, it might make you chuckle when you read it. ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.* BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE SPACECRAFT FOR THE RETURN JOURNEY TO EARTH , HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY". MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26- YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!" TRUE STORY.

Britain is still a great country, as regards to the 1939 quote i meant it as a example of British resolve and it's not too late to rekindle pride in your nations achievements. We have similar problems in this country with illegal immigrants, our leaders seem to have no answers on keeping them out of the country until they are processed for entry into Aust legally. there has been 200 plus boats arrive on our shores in the last 12 months filled with illegal male immigrants mainly from Afghanistan.

Its never to late to revive national pride, maybe Churchill and the British people should have said its too late in 1939 ?

Give him a go he is the first to make a stand good on him

I saw and heard the speech your PM made in Germany topic was Multiculturalism in the UK . i thought it was a brave stance taken by him, it will cause some controversy for him at home and abroad. i agree with him if new comers don't want to integrate into the population of the country they fled to they should be returned to their home country.i wish our PM took the same stance for Aust.

How Moses got the 10 Commandments.... God went to the Arabs and said, "I have the Commandments for you that will make your lives better. The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested." God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested." Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested." Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested." Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10." There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

We were lucky here again no damage to report but not so the folks up north I don't think any deaths reported and that was a miracle . but the damage was immense to homes businesses and farms.

Its (the cyclone) is forecast to hit the coast around about Cairns south to Townsville this is the second one to run into the Qld coast in a week I feel sorry for the poor buggers,on the news last night it said if it is as large as expected it could destroy 10 thousand homes. Now both Govts are panicking but its too late to panic they need answers.

Here in Australia scientists were until recently working on a process to make coal clean or minimal harmful emissions when burnt i don't know what happened but the concept was suddenly dropped by the Federal Govt .....

Yea welcome Bettyboo

Women really like to build a mans ego up don't they Keith.

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs; a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.' At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something, 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?' He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.' Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?' He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry.' Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar: COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH $3.50 HAND JOB : $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?" The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Yes Sir , I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real f#@*&$% good because I want a cheeseburger."

Good one Merlin.....

i thought that..........

Just on the tip of my tongue .........

Hi all just to let anyone who may be interested know, to-day is Australia Day and this proud nation has a day off work to celebrate so to be patriotic in an Aussie way me and mine are going to Burrum heads for a BBQ breakie and a BBQ lunch followed by a swim and a snooze ....(Glad the rain has gone)

welcome to you CGC i hope you enjoy our site

Oh Yea

Supper This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself." So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town."

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?" The madam replies $60. "Wow, what do I get for that," he says. She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt.â€

i dunno Merlin i just don't know guess i was just having a laugh.. :wtf: