Malcolm Robinson

Bedlington and the IMF............ As I have warned several times the oft repeated quotes from our panjandrum political leaders saying the UK will not be bailing out the Euro now resembles a tissue of mendacity! Not only have we already seen around £12 billion go into propping up Eurozone countries we now have the very real prospect of throwing almost £26 billion into an IMF fund which is directly bailing out the Eurozone. This would make the UK contribution second only to Germany and of equal size to France, and this from a country French officials have just been telling everyone is bust! This figure represents an amount greater than the self-imposed austerity cuts in the UK and we really do have to wonder what planet that makes sense on? The real problem I have is this will inevitably become a fund which once endorsed and filled will probably become so rapacious because of what it is trying to fulfil we could very well end up throwing more and more money into it so as not to accept losses. As it is the job losses we have already seen in the UK can now easily be ascribed to saving a foreign currency! For some reason the very institutions at the centre of the whole problem are being given 'get out of jail free cards' as their debts are socialised yet we still see huge bonuses being paid for what in reality are very nefarious financial activities. It's a pity the mantra of 'too big to fail' wasn't ascribed to our mining, steel, and shipbuilding industries, to name a few, we might still have been a producer country instead of one reliant on 'white van man' running up and down the country delivering goods made overseas! I am going to invest in that 1970's high fashion accessory, a nuclear bunker, and maybe Bedlington shouldn't be pushing for a sports/leisure centre but rather open up the old pit workings to provide a warren of safety as we contemplate our financial Troglodytic future.

THE DEAD COW LECTURE First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck a finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck a finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

Happy birthday...............

Try it out................... http://www.drawastickman.com/

Felicitations of the season to all............

Schadenfreude It would seem the 'final curtain' is about to come down on the latest Euro Summit/Treaty/Pact/Accord or whatever and this time within a week! A French downgrade will inevitably raise her borrowing costs and as one of the two principle players pushing for EU fiscal prudence and unity behind an automatic and binding agreement this would seem to leave only the Germans in any position to lecture or pay for any bailouts and as they are effectively tied by their constitution not to do so this would seem to leave Mr Draghi and the ECB with the unenviable task of printing enough Euro paper to cover EU needs, again not something they are legally entitled to do. Our very own Mr Cameron seems to have somehow misplaced his ticket for the maiden voyage of the Titanic and whilst our continental EU partners are trying to make sure she sets sail on time they must be wondering if the Brits hid their own ticket! The astonishing attack on this country by 'Monsewer' Noyer, head of the Bank of France and a member of the ECB's governing council, saying that the UK should be targeted by ratings agencies and downgraded before France is even considered, is in reality a thinly veiled attempt at sideswiping and negative misdirection. It would be interesting to actually see what the French banks have parked in the ECB by way of assets, toxic they must be radioactive and we would get Geiger-counter readings off them even in the wilds of Northumberland! Not hard to see why the EU wants to disband these rating agencies! If the rumours about this are in anyway true and we do see a two notch French downgrade then effectively the game is up, especially for the re-election hopes of a certain Monsieur Sarkozy! Target practice anyone............

Word on the streets is that there is a big German bank, possibly the second biggest in Germany, needing bailout funding. Like many European Banks it made hay at the expense of the peripherals and the ECB but now given the talk of debt defaults, haircuts and increased capital requirements its position is becoming increasingly fragile. If the SoFFin rescue fund is reactivated look for a German bank shedding its liabilities………… This follows another European bank, probably French, which needed to cover a dollar position a few weeks ago. The only institution which stepped in was the Fed fearing a Euro meltdown and contagion. So if these stories are to be believed we see the two founders of the Lisbon2 Treaty up to their eyeballs in the mucky stuff. Nothing like that for concentrating minds though! With that action by the Fed and its current agreement to cover all Euro dollar positions we have to ask what was demanded by way of payback? Looks fairly certain the subject matter of the last EU summit, the one Dave walked away from, will contain the answers! One of the biggest 'ideas' is to have the ECB as lender of last resort but legally it can't do that. Not to be sideswiped by something as insignificant as the law the Eurocrats now want the ECB to take over and capitalise all those Euro rescue vehicles identified by the dammed silly acronyms so the ECB can provide funding for them and they in turn can provide funding for sovereign debt. If we did that we would be arrested for money laundering! Something's gotta give and it's gotta give soon!

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/britains-high-streets-reach-crisis-point-003705028.html

Happy Xmas

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. " How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks. " Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. " Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the !*!@# cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, " You gonna tell him or should I ? "

Cameron's recent use of a supposed veto has resulted in many column inches of print and if readers agree or not probably depends on their European stance with regard to the UK. It's probably worth looking at what was on the table because it may be some time before anything is actually written down for EU members to sign up to. Shying away from implementing a completely new Treaty, which would have sparked a wave of referenda in several EU countries, what was suggested was really an extension to the Lisbon Treaty. Who can forget Cameron's absolute call for a referendum when Brown signed us up to that! It is therefore hardly surprising DC walked away and preferred to ingratiate himself with his Eurosceptic backbenchers, at least that way he still had some friends! What this represents for the UK, momentous…. possibly, predictable…. definitely and it would have been the main topic of discussion in the meetings Dave had with Merkle and Sarkozy prior to the summit. The UK relationship with the EU is now irrevocably changed but then the EU itself is about to become a very changed entity so no one can possibly know what has been lost or gained! Several of the topics now seemingly contained in this possible agreement are worthy of further consideration, not least the harmonisation of tax, notable corporation tax. The French have complained incessantly about the Irish level of this tax but in her present economic woes should Ireland increase this tax, could Ireland increase this tax, probably not. Looks likely there will be an Irish opt out as the price for her agreement or exactly what Dave said he asked for to protect the City but was refused. Hmm the waters are becoming less than clear! There is also the small matter of the ECB becoming continental lender of last resort something it isn't legally entitled to be. Seems the way to get around this is for it to 'take over' the various stability funds, or 'bazookas, and provide them with funding allowing them to underwrite debt. It also allows leverage on these funds, the very thing which has got us into the mire in the first place! If we private citizens did this the probability is that the boys in blue would be feeling collars and levying charges of money laundering! This is very probably at the insistence of the Fed who if gossip is to be believed had to cover a dollar position of a European financial institution, probably a French bank, some weeks ago. Looks like the Fed has agreed to cover all these EU positions now, as long as the ECB cranks up its money printing operations, for fear of one becoming the first domino to fall. As an aftershock we now have the whole Coalition relationship to consider with the two central figures being diametrically opposed on the EU question. Having read not so long ago that they were peas in a pod on the European question what has emerged is something quite at odds with that statement. It certainly relegates the deputy PM into irrelevance when the bigger national questions are debated. Let's not be in the dark about this whole saga, it's a banking and financial problem and one which was always on the cards once the brakes were taken off stuff like re-hypothecation and fractional reserve lending. The problem is that these cyberspace losses and esoteric securities have been socialised by governments and their taxpayers and we now have to throw real money into a black hole created by cyber-betting. Pity the same reverence wasn't given to our coal, shipbuilding, iron and steel industries, but then they weren't too big to fail or located in London!

A woman walks into the DSS office, trailed by 15 kids . . ... 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?' 'Yeah, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one, he is Terry, also.' The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come running.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch? 'I call them by their surnames!'

The new part 1 of the motorcycle test looks a corker.....................

I know what I want for Xmas now..................

These people can lie looking directly into your eyes! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8697360.stm

Dear Mr. Cameron, Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed 2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed 4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed 5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... And there's your money back in duty/tax etc It can't get any easier than that! P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. Also...... Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out. Think about this (more points of contention): COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

If it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any!

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know > each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of > course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. > The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom > broom > was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the > wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to > the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!' > 'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the room broom. Are you ready for this? Brace > yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!! 'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. Þ Þ Þ Þ "I just want to tell my wife for the last time, the word is sternum."

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch , and margaritas into urine..

Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair... Arriving in a hotel in > Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The > barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." > Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over > his money....... "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the > barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until > 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland". "That is remarkable value", > Michael comments. > > "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. > That will be 3 euro please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink > and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. > "That'll be an extra 2 euro. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it > would have only cost you a Euro." "I think you may to be too big for the > seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". Michael attempts to > sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he > complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't > fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your > seat sir". O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have > brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't > pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro." > > O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on > the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the > manager". "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that > will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I > am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary." "I've had enough! What sort of Hotel is > this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on > speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E-mail address, or if you wish, you can > contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free > phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a > talking charge of only 10 cent per second". > > "I will never use this bar again". "OK sir, but remember, we are the only > hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro!"

Planned 3p fuel duty rise in January to be scrapped. August 2012 duty rise reduced from 5p to 3p A welcome response from the Chancellor but...... Reacting to news in the Chancellor's Autumn Statement that the January 3p rise in fuel duty is to be scrapped, Quentin Willson, spokesman for FairFuelUK said, 'This is a victory for FairFuelUK but only a stay of execution. We've saved the UK 9p since March in proposed fuel duty rises and we are now the gatekeepers of fuel sanity for this country. We're going to carry on pressurising this government to keep duty down and reduce it significantly. If we don't they'll hike it up again the first chance they get''. Peter Carroll who runs FairFuelUK said, 'Adding another 3p a litre at this critical time for the economy would have been economic madness. It's a little like a sick man being told that he was going to get worse, but then being told he's not! Like the sick man, the economy is still in a bad way. Petrol & diesel remain far too expensive. We will be fighting on to try and make the Government understand that the economy needs an actual cut in fuel duty – a cut would create jobs, give people a little more disposable income and stimulate the economy. This will mean that the Government and the Chancellor will gain, not lose, by cutting duty'. Theo De Pencier, Chief Executive of the Freight Transport Association (FTA) said, 'We have avoided a horrendous New Year's hangover; January's rise would have cost the industry around £325m. But while we are relieved that the Chancellor has steered us out of immediate danger, it is obvious that getting the UK back on the road to recovery requires a long term fuel duty strategy, and one which doesn't make already tough times that much tougher for businesses in an already uncertain economy. Today's decision will help to keep the wheels of industry turning. But the government must now look at taking more substantive steps to invoke a longer term fuel duty policy that doesn't punish business, prevent growth and grind those wheels to a halt.' Geoff Dunning, Chief Executive of the Road Haulage Association (RHA) said, 'We welcome this news. This will go some way to alleviating the impact of escalating fuel prices for all users. However, this can only be regarded as a short term fix. If the UK is to have any chance of economic recovery it is imperative that a long term solution to this problem be found as a matter of extreme urgency'. Adrian Tink of the RAC said, 'It's a victory for common sense. With people paying in excess of £1300 per year just to go about their daily lives this needs to the first, not the last, step. This is welcome short term relief, but what is the Chancellor's plan if prices keep going up next year' The FairFuelUK campaign is backed by the RAC, the RHA and FTA. It achieved a major Parliamentary debate on 15th Nov to discuss the crisis of petrol & diesel prices. MPs from all Parties backed the call for a rethink on fuel duty. The FairFuelUK campaign has attracted the support of more than 200,000 members of the public and over 150 Parliamentarians. As ever, the more people that sign up to www.fairfueluk.com, the louder and more effective our voice becomes. So please, pass on this message to family, friends and contacts urging them to sign up and to follow us on Twitter - @FairFuelUK Thanks again for all your support in the fight for lower petrol and diesel prices Very kind regards The FairFuelUK Campaign team Quentin Willson, Peter Carroll, Lynne Beaumont, Howard Cox The RAC, FTA and RHA www.fairfueluk.com

Just been explaining to people tonight why he must have had an affinity with our Town and area.

Seemed like a gent. Another sad loss.