Malcolm Robinson

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a cop sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. Says he to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 125."

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London . A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. " McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. " Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom. Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?' The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines.” Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

Sadly not a joke............... Three government contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ; one from London , another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool .. They go with a government official to examine the wall.. The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.' The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.' The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700." The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?' The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.' 'Done!' replies the government official. And that friends, ...... is how it all works.

The IMF reckon there's over 5 billion quids worth of gold sitting in the bank in Tripoli! Course that would buy Gaddafi a first class plane ticket somewhere .............

Now the editor is being daft.........!*!@# .......ham.

Get some yellow split peas (lentils) and boil the heck out of them, water and a stock cube, until they go to a mush and you have a version. If you have the time boil a !*!@# and then use the stock to boil a muslin bag of the yellow split peas adding in some of the meat. That's a much tastier version. I have used green lentils when yellow ones were unavailable and they worked too, albeit the wrong colour!

Stephen, Isn't AV tactical voting anyway?

Well mine is anyway...........

Oh dear......... http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20110414/tuk-poll-almost-half-of-voters-back-av-s-45dbed5.html

Hear hear........

Its Wor Lass Keith, she is looking for the foo foo valve! Everyone knows they are behind the back wheels, bah.......

The reason why women can't work on cars............

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot... 'Could you give me some tips?' he asked. The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' 'Sure will ' The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, you gonna wish you had put more grease on your gun!

Mr D, Yes you can just fill in one box but there is too much confusion around 2nd and 3rd choices and a lot of people think they have to fill in all the boxes to get their vote counted. Also there is the thing where people will think they are missing out if they don't fill in multiple boxes. It's hard enough getting people to think about one choice never mind perming in multiple choices. Quite like your RON idea Stephen, RON or NOTA should be included! If we voted against Regional Assemblies in a referendum how come we got one? Albeit not the all singing dancing version trumpeted………..

I agree GGG but I think the rating for the Japanese one is right it's the Russian one they got wrong, more like a 20, if the scale went up that far. Also I think just one death pretty serious when the end result is to enable the masses to watch 'Coronation Street!'

'Fraid that's pure b******! No its not........... The specifics might not be as bad but the overall ratings the same! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-13045341

The severity rating of the Fukushima meltdown has risen to seven (the maximum) from five. This means that it is now considered the same level of problem as the 1986 Chernobyl disaster.

Think you have answered your own question there Mr D! Of course there should be a ''none of the above'' box, it would finally prove or disprove the much used excuse of voter apathy. If there was a resounding count as you describe it would show voters were unhappy with the choices on offer and something more representative needed to be included. Hang on a minute, isn't that democracy?

Merlin, This is exactly why everyone should use their vote, it's the ONLY time we can exercise any control whatsoever over our political class. Plus there is a certain amount of Schadenfreude when big names become victims to what is really their own cavalier attitudes towards their electorates. Keith, I am pleased they have had a go I just cannot believe what they are proposing should be taken seriously.

Pete, I am not advocating for AV just putting the info out there so people can have some understanding and choice. Personally I think its a pile of steaming horse sxxt! The current system needs change being more fitting to the 19th century than anything resembling a decent system for the 21st but what is being proposed is a very poor option and probably the very least Dave could appease Nick with.

Funny...............

Hmmmmmm, http://www.journallive.co.uk/northumberland-sites/bedlington-northumberland/bedlington-news/2011/04/08/legal-wrangle-sees-re-opening-of-bedlington-community-centre-delayed-61634-28481240/

May 5th we are being asked to choose............ In the present, first past the post system, any candidate with a majority of votes cast wins. In the AV system the winner has to have 50%+ of the votes cast. Instead of putting a cross next to one candidate you put a numbered choice next to as many as you want, 1-2-3 etc. according to your preferences. If no candidate gets the required 50%+ on the first count then the candidate with the least votes gets eliminated and their second choice votes are added to whichever preference is marked. If a candidate still doesn't have 50%+ then the next one with fewest votes is eliminated and their second choice votes are added to whichever. If the electorate is 100 voters the vote might go something like this: Candidate A gets 40% Candidate B gets 30% Candidate C gets 20% Candidate D gets 10%. At present candidate 'A' would win because they got the majority of votes cast. Under AV no candidate would win, none got 50%+, and a second count would be needed. In this case candidate 'D' would be eliminated and his second choice would be added to whoever. Let's say his second votes all went to candidate B which would give that candidate 40%, same as 'A', but still short of the 50% needed. Next candidate 'C' gets eliminated, having the next least amount of votes cast, and their second choice is added into the mix. Again let's say they go to candidate 'B' giving them 60% and therefore becoming the winner. This is just a simplified version before the politicos on here start shouting!

If I understood it correctly they are putting up buildings which will be used to relocate the residents of Glebe Court in while that area is knocked down and rebuilt as two bedroomed bungalows. I think it then becomes something like sheltered housing for disabled in its own right. I seem to remember 2 years start to finish for the two developments being mentioned as well. Sorry I can't be more specific but I was busy on something else when this was being discussed.