keith lockey

Keithy Weethy - you do not know how close you are. "He hits the bar - volleys the rebound back towards the net but the ball is kicked off the line - referee...referee!!" So close yet so far, Keith. You have the pieces of the jigsaw in front of you, now put them together.

Nope, sorry Pete, keep trying, there is a connection.

It's the sonic booms from the cloaked spaceships from Planet X - Nibiru. Come the 21st Dec they will reveal themselves and us mere mortals will be nothing but foodstuff for their reptilian bellies. They will put Peter Mandhelson (spelling?) in no 10 and bring back Maggie as queen bitch. They are already polluting the atmosphere with chemtrails so that they can breath and our blue planet will be turned into a twilight world with subdued sunrises and sunsets with intermitten showers and bright patches....England won the first test at Headingly today.....Hello nurse, that's a big syringe you've got.

You are right, Adam, Privatisation has a lot to answer to.

They might have Pete, but it's not what I'm looking for. You are on the right track with your thinking though - ie a song connection. DON'T TELL THE OTHER VARMINTS THOUGH...DOH!

Nope - Merc' Nope - CL Two songs should be obvious. Get those and you can find your way to the others. One of those might be a trite hard because....shut up Keith, shut up.

No, nay, never, no, nay no, never, no, nay. But concentrate on the songs.

Peter Gabriel asked Dolly Parton to duet on Don't Give Up!!!!!!!!! I never knew that Merc'; I can't get my head around that. Some good lateral thinking there but unfortunately wrong. Can't give you any clues on this one, but there is a connection - as always.

This might help CL. http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Schoolslearninganddevelopment/YourChildsWelfareAtSchool/DG_066966

No, my bro is the photographer, I just point the box-brownie and hope for the best. That is actually what came out. Max - the cat - hasn't got those coloured eyes. It must be light refraction or whatever. But it's a darn good photo despite the eye colours. I normally get "you photoshopped that". but honest injun, Malcolm, that is how it came out. Weird but true. Bless his little cotton socks - he wakes me up by head-butting me.

Naw, Malcolm, this is my white (and black) cat. And no I haven't done anything to the photo - I wouldn't know how.

Nope, sorry Malcolm. Not what I'm looking for. (Actually this might be harder than I first thought...mmm)

Thanks lads. I wouldn't have known that one. To be honest I never watched any of those or Deep Space Nine or the other Star Trek spinoffs. So I can excuse myself for not knowing it. RIGHT! ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR NEXT BATCH - THESE SHOULD BE EASY. WHAT CONNECTS THE ABOVE?

So you did....doh! Not at my best today. Are we looking at British or American sci-fi. In fact is Turhan Bey human or animal?

I've resisted the itch to look it up, Malcom, but I'm thinking a Star Wars actor! but I wasn't a great fan of those flicks - except Carrie Fisher in that outfit.

When I was a teenager at school in the late sixties early seventies my mam got visited often by the schoolboard man. The reason was I had a poisoned heel and couldn't get any shoes on. In the end the headmaster - Mister Surtees - gave me a lift every day. As I say, that was 1960s-70s; and I believe the schoolboard man was around before that.

Thanks for confirming it Brett, I thought I was losing my muggies. There were a few 'sounds' about 4.30pm - 5.pm on Tuesday and then again at teatime yesterday. And yes, there was a tremor. I didn't want to mention that in case that rapscallion Keith sent for the men in white coats. But, like always, no one else will have heard them or pay the slightest bit of attention. They will be confined to the shrug of the shoulders department.

That's so not true, Keith. I'm using the extra electrickery to power up my energy suit - like Iron man. So that when the space invaders from Nibiru arrive I can fight them off and save the world and you can go to the pub and have a pint in peace. It's a good capture of my double-chins though, you must admit.

Not being funny this time but for two days I've been hearing 'booming' sounds, like underground explosions. Anyone else hear them?

ALIEN TECHNOLOGY, MALCOLM.

AM PLUM TUCKERED OUT YOU VARMINTS AND I HAVE THE WORKMEN HERE TOMORROW. BUT LIKE ARNIE...I'LL BE BACK.

DEAR WINNER - WHAT A PRIZE I HAVE FOR YOU!! You wont be able to thank me enough for this outstanding offer, Pete. As part of Shark Appreciation Week I have booked you in for a shark week special down under. You will be staying at the prestigious Jaws Hotel at Shark Bay, Western Australia. There you will take part in such mind-blowing activities such as Kayaking With Sharks; Shark Juggling and culminating in the grand finale – Shark Rodeo. SEE ENCLOSED PHOTOS. The prize is part of our Activity Sensation Seeker Holidays (ASSHOL) and all you need take is your cossie, blood type and a last will and testament. (We supply the book of prayers and a copy of Prosthetics Weekly.) Here are comments from two of our previous winners… "I've never had so much fun since I had my arm bitten of by a Salty.” One-armed Mick Mackinley "I would do the whole thing again, if only I had my legs back.” Stu 'Stumpy' Stevenson. I can just see you packing your bags right now, Pete. The best thing is it is free, so it won't cost you an arm and a leg....then again!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! THAT DARN PESKY PETE HAS DONE ME IN AGIN. That's right Pete, they have all had their heads shaved for films. Sigourney Weaver.........Aliens 3 John Travolta..................From Paris With Love? Jeff Bridges.....................Iron Man Persis Khambatta...........Star Trek (The Movie) Kevin Spacey..................Superman Returns Natalie Portman..............V For Vendetta YOUR PRIZE FOLLOWS - YOU VARMINT

I was at a fancy-dress party last night when this bloke walked in. He was wearing a crucifix on his back, a crucifix on his head, two crucifixes on his chest and his arms and legs were covered in tiny crucifixes. I said "What have you come as?" He said "A cross dresser."

It's that big sub-continent south of Spain - across the Med'. It's got jungles full of snakes and crocodiles and is the home to Tarzan of the Apes. Does that answer your question Keithy.