Symptoms

Reedy wrote: "What's the hold up with Wansbeck and Blyth counts? Sunderland declared in 50 minutes." Sunderland is a small grubby village so the X's were easy to collect and count-up, infact, the locals thought they had to sign their names on the chit ... and they did (X's, get it?). As to the National picture and what the Tories will do, let me paraphrase Thatcher's 1979 misquote of St. Francis of Assisi: Where there is harmony, may we bring discord. Where there is truth, may we bring lies. Where there is faith, may we bring doubt. Where there is hope, may we bring dispair. Where there is an NHS, may we sell it to the Yankee hedgefunds and insurance companies. Where there is social housing, may we evict the sods and sell the stuff off. Where we find gimps, may we confiscate their crutches and mobility scooters. Where we find 30 nippers in a class, may we up the number to 50. Where we find qualified teachers, may we replace them with the unqualified. Where we find apprenticeships, may we send them all up chimneys. Where we find loot, may we keep it all for ourselves or give it to our friends." Be afraid, be very afraid!

Welcome to the world of the Toon supporter ... much promised, little delivered. A lifetime of ups and downs (and in my case since 1964). But, but, but, it could be worse ... yep, being a mackem has to be worse. I know success is cyclical, however thin the meager gruel might be at the Toon, but just image having to tramp over to that wretched tin shed on the banks of the fetid Wear every fortnight.

My beloved Guardian has a weekly column where the author says what they'd do if they were king for the day. King Sym The Wise and Magnificent would recognise the trouble his Kingdom of Blighty has been left in by the corrupt and villainous Barons of the House of Thatch and his first order would be to decree that his day as king be extended, for the rest of his life, as much work needs to be undertaken to secure the well being of his people. The Barons would be rounded-up and 're-educated', the High Priests of the Right and their naive followers would be submitted to trial by fire and the people would see that all is well in the Sym's kingdom. The ownership of vast estates of the Barons would be commandeered by King Sym for the benefit of his people and a land of milk and honey would be embraced by the grateful masses. War would only be waged on the Frogs ...our natural enemy for the last 1000 years.

It doesn't matter how cuddly Padders might be there's loads of folks who'd send him back. Ditto, Commonwealth* quacks/nurses (* code for black/Asian). Ditto, 'Polish plumbers' (code for our East European friends). Why? The racist b******s will cry, "It's 'cos they ain't like us."

Canny - walk around your garden and sniff for MrFoxy's (not our beloved foxy) scent markings ... you can't miss it, strong, pungent, sweet. Get MrCanny to piddle there and get him to do it often ... MrFoxy (not our beloved foxy) will get the message.

My Dad had an allotment which backed onto our back garden in East Riggs ... the back garden was separated from the allotment by a high & thick privot hedge (this hedge also made a great vertical trampoline - run, jump into it, bounce back); access to the allotment was via a shed with two doors ... oh, and the shed was made from asbestos!!!! - I helped my Dad build it. According to Google Earth these allotments have now been built over (Windsor Court). My Dad grew all the usual suspects, but he was a very lazy gardener; dig a hole, plop it in was his technique - no double digging, no tattie tenches for him. Funny thing was it was very productive. We also kept hens. Two doors down from us was Matty Binks (the plumber ... he also had a shop on Front St East I think) ... he has a greenhouse and grew toms. The woman who lived three doors up from us (I can't recall her name) also had a greenhouse but she grew grapes - yep, grapes in Bedders in the 60s, I also have a vague recollection that she might have been the freeholder of the allotments. The Cut ran down through the middle of these allotments ... a compacted earth path that ran from the back of the Council Offices to Acorn Avenue. I've got some of my Dad's 8mm film (now on DVD) showing some of us lads riding my motorbike on the allotments and also featuring our hen races (dangle worms before the hens an see which one runs the quickest) ... I must be about 14 years old.

Wilma, emulate Churchill's technique ... dictate dear boy, dictate. If you haven't got a dictaphone or a tape-deck use the recording facility on your PC. The important thing is to get the stuff 'down' somewhere and worry later about organising it. An agent will put you in contact with an editor who'll help with sympathetically organising the stuff ... you might even get an advance if the agent convinces the right publisher. Go on, go for it!

Never mind Canny's ringworm ... men's urine is a good way of warding off foxes (it does work, as does Jeyes Fluid). Female urine is sometimes know as 'the golden shower'. If some of our viewers want to know where that description came from just ask and Sym will provide the answer.

Wilma ... get in contact with a literary agent to discuss publishing your stuff ... remember, once you croke it's gone forever.

The Christian Godbotherers went through a Reformation almost half a millennia ago and, to a certain extent, cleaned-up their act. Yep, I know there was still some unspeakable stuff going on, but nothing like the previous 1000 years. Islam, some will argue, never had this type of 'cleansing' and as a result many describe it as condoning Dark Ages behaviour, the sort of stuff we're seeing in the Middle East now. I think that the Bolsheviks had the right approach to organised religion ... round-up all the bossgodbotherers and cast them out into the Wilderness (the Gulags).

Always H&S if an ancient item was re-commissioned ... requirement of Public Liability Insurance for places open to Joe Public and requirement for domestic insurance cover (installed to Hetas safety standard). Of course, there's nowt to stop somebody using an old bit of tackle like that, but they'd be taking a risk of voiding their insurance cover and risking being overcome by carbon monoxide fumes due to that flue arrangement.

Beat you to it Smudge with: "We must remember Yekaterinburg."

Official ... more top quacks agree with Sym. Being a porker is all down to bad diet rather than the lack of exercise. I say, "fatties, throw away (or drop if you can't throw) the Ginsters now!" http://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/apr/22/obesity-owes-more-to-bad-diet-than-lack-of-exercise-say-doctors

Maggs wrote: "Well it appeared and now is gone. I signed out and Ukip appeared. Not sure why!" Subliminal messaging perhaps ... you know they'll stop at nothing to get their message across. Expect bright lights and rubber truncheons next.

But wasn't Georgieboy born a Turkish Arab? Nice to see us Brits embracing a guy from the Middle East.

Maggs ... as the putlogs were disconnected and moved upwards there was nothing for the masons to stand on to fill the holes, that's why they remain 'open' to this day in most of these old buildings, I also suspect there was no need to close them as the walls were so thick and the holes shallow by comparison. I probably got this info from the same Fred Dibnah show that Smudge mentions (I love watching Fred's shows) ... there was also a Beeb series recently about re-building a French castle that looked at all this medieval building technology.

I think with ggg's snap of the wonderful Nicola above it should be "Hail to the the Chief". Just like the Yankees croak to their topman or with a bit of luck to Hilary in a year of two.

I made the arguement earlier that the alternative is something like wall-to-wall ITV3; I was wrong, it'll be type of wall-to-wall Fox ... the natural home for the Yankee Tea Party and nutty right wing fellow travellers.

It would probably contravene Stove Building Regulations - Document J. The flue arrangement would need to be modified.

Well, this kind of stuff is what keeps Charlie Saxe-Coburg and Gotha looking so well ... we all know how he promotes this dodgy alternative stuff. Oh, and maybe he's like that because he's never done an honest days work in his life, never had to bend down to tie his own shoelaces, never hand to wipe his own arse, only ever eaten the finest grub supplied by Fortnum and Mason. We must remember Yekaterinburg.

I'm not sure any right thinking person should ever vote for those LD b*******s again. Just consider what they did last time, all done to enhance that liar Clegg a place at the 'top table'.

Usually, these square/rectangular holes found in very old stone buildings are known as putlog holes. Putlogs were a type of scaffolding that inched up the building as it was built. Baulk of dressed timber would be inserted horizontally into these holes and supported below by angled timber braces, deck boards (similar to modern scaffold boards) would then be laid over the horizontal pieces to form a working platform. Clearly, as the building progressed upwards all this putlog tackle would be disconnected and moved upwards.

Cookie ... try Google - "photos of Cambois" or "images of Cambois". There's quite a few on there - I've just tried.

McAlpine had very, very good (aggressive) lawyers.

So far it's GGG's BLOCK VOTE of 3 against 4 INDIVIDUAL MEMBER VOTES and 1 UNDECIDED (merc). Me thinks that GGG is behaving like one of his favourite Trade Union Barons. Syms says, "One person, one vote".