Hamburger Pimp

The Market Tavern have nothing to dilute their beer with. I joke of course. They wouldn't do that.

You been huffing petrol again?

I'm enjoying her work.

An excellent player, here's hoping the physio room wrecking crew don't rob us of his services too often.

You don't pull any punches, do you?

Another illusion shattered. In other news, it's a bit overcast today. Now sports...

No silly, not this messageboard, I mean the weather. The last thing I'd ever do is lower the tone around here but, by jingo! I'm sweating like a lottery rapist here. And that's swearing. Of course Joe Rooney will no doubt pop up to tell us it gets twice as hot in Canada and he still hasn't taken off his tweed suit and brogues.

I can exclusively reveal that it was.

Should be a good night.

Pencil Neck is right, although marks must be deducted for his persistent misspelling of "lose". Don't call his lass Thelma. Call her Velma. "Indeed!"

Word on the street (the Journal) is that Steed Malbranque is on his way.

IFCIT! Our very own version of the shopkeeper in "Mr Benn" whose appearance from nowhere was an infallible sign that today's adventure was over.

Whoa there, Swalnalla! Wash that potty-mouth out with Swearfega. We aren't all market traders, all irate because some herbert on the next stall is undercutting our price on blood oranges, you know?

Why hasn't the Station got a sign? Once again our tax dollars go towards featherbedding the corpulent millionaires living high on the hog up the top end. Sort it out, Malcolm Robinsons!

Abuse is not on the menu!

Blimey Denzel, you don't mince your words, do you?

Nice!

I saw the new sign today but I didn't spend much time looking at it. There was an odd-looking fellow peering at me from the other side of the road while muttering away to himself, so I continued on my way.

No. Is this the thing where you try to win a hip operation or something?

And there isn't even anywhere for the poor horse to graze.

Scousers sign twisty hunchback

Is it that time already? A tough looking Christmas programme, yes?

I once* went out with an Ilongot girl. I asked her to give me head and she went out and decapitated somebody! *Of course I didn't, I'm being amusing.

No Owen, No Shearer, No Chopra. Ameobi still got his gammy hip, Luque still in the huff. Ownership of the club up in the air with rumours of takeover bids and the Halls slipping out the back door, having trousered most of the club's money. Good luck, Glenn.

"What's In and Out at the Worlds Cup of Soccer?", I hear you ask. Since you're asking, I'll tell you. In Loads of raking goals scored from long-range Wayne Rooneys' miraculous metatarsals. Praise be! African chaps in the full body paint get up. Low quality goalkeeping Michael Owens getting all defensive in interviews and sounding like Mike Skinners The French being no good again. Enjoy it while it lasts The Angola and USA kits Italy vs USA, the tournament's only good kicking match Gelsenkirchen! Trying saying it, it's great. Gelsenkirchen, Gelsenkirchen, Gelsenkirchen! The Iran carpet square they hand over before kick-off Liberally dousing one's old chap with yellow food colouring, then later on getting it out in the pub and telling everyone, in a George Formby accent, "It's me World Cup Willy, way-hey!" Switzerland, normally grindingly dull, having a goalie called Zuberbuhler and a forward called Hakan Yakin. ITV's theme music. Hey, Kasabians, the sound of the streets, like it, yeah. I joke of course, it's complete knackersweat. Moody reserve keepers that don't get on with the other feller. Setting up your stereo so that, on the occasion of a goal being scored, with a flick of a switch it pumps out "I like to move it" by Reel 2 Reel feat. The Mad Stuntman Any sighting of oompah bands or lederhosen during a report from Germany Injured players having to stay on because all of their subs have been used. Otherwise reserved, perhaps even homophobic men, feeling it's alright to hug and kiss their mates due to a goal being scored. The look of utter contempt in Gordon Strachans' eyes when asked something fatuous by Adrian Chile or Gary Linekers William Galla going off on one when Korea scored. Germany's hosting of the tournament sparking a renewed interest in the works of Goethe, Schiller, Schopenhauer and Sven Hassel Out The old-fashioned, manky-looking stretchers being used, that resemble the type of thing Private Godfrey was kitted out with Italy's "sweaty armpit" design kit and those horrible nike halved goalkeepers tops After each impressive performance, claiming to have tipped them before the tournament The confused, nonsensical punditry of David Pleats Squeezing in an ad break between the end of the anthems and kick-off. England players seemingly being obliged to wear really !*!@# quality polo shirts when hanging about the hotel. Folk wearing those football shaped hats at the match. Really, there's no need. The BBC's masseeve added time graphic. Showing action replays when the ball is in play That pair of cornholes out of the Budweiser advert bumpers on ITV Frankie Lampards just having a shot from anywhere That deal with swapping those little footballs before kick-off Endless shots of attractive women in the crowd. We get the picture, there are some tidy boilers in attendance. Men with sunglasses on the top of their head and wearing three-quarter length trousers, going on about "the footie" ITV's much-vaunted website. It's !*!@#. And that's swearing. Pretending that somebody you know has mistaken Trinidad and Tobago for two different teams. No they haven't. The return of eighties yuppie style stripey shirts. The Czech Republic's reserve players being, to a man, big, fat, balding brickies. The indecent haste with which the resurgence of Thierry Henry was proclaimed, only for him to bottle it again and miss a vital sitter. England scoring when you've got a full pint, most of which is spilled during the ensuing melee