Hamburger Pimp

The car park behind Somerfield/Presto/Sainsbury/Whatever. Opposite the Monkey.

1. Steven "Stevie G" Gerrards. Instead of making your mouth go about someone who was running around with a World Cup winners medal while you were talking to your ghostwriter, concentrate on not kicking the ball like an iddy-biddy girl when you get the chance of a shot on goal. 2. "Bolo" Zenden and Harry Kewell. What a pair of useless knackers. 3. Dirk Kuyt. Get in the bliddy box, man. You're there to score goals, not stumping around closing down full-backs and running yourself into the ground in the first twenty minutes. 4. Javier Mascherano. Not looking too bad for a player that couldn't get a game for the West Hams. 5. Pennant, Carragher, Alonso, Finnan, Agger. Unlucky, chaps. 6. "Pippo" Inzaghi. Git-faced, diving, flukey get. Gets in the right positions to score goals, though. Take note, Kuyt, D. 7. Benitez. Play another striker, you Mr Potato-heeded fool. 8. Bellamy. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!THEMAPPLES,EH?!!11!!!!! Forza Milan!

He doesn't read them, just copies and pastes them on here, having first checked with Mrs Neck that the article is broadly disparaging of Newcastle United.

Speak for yourself, Peter Stringfellows.

It's actually spelt "Evian". Hope this helps.

I fear you have Club/Penguin confusion, my friend.

That's me bounding onstage in the sailing hat, epaulettes akimbo. I was the quite the looker thirty summers ago, what?

Do you not have any news, Denzel?

Apparently, as well as the street name thing, they're still building, then burning down, love.

Big Brother actually asked you to close your curtains, didn't he?

Illegal immigrants are routinely fingerprinted and DNA samples taken when they are taken into custody. As for the ones that are never arrested, well none of the proposed measures would apply to them in any case. The point about the expensive, inefficient ID card system is that it wouldn't work. The London Underground bombers had valid ID, they just had no previous criminal history. Terrorists from abroad wouldn't need British ID documents. The system would impinge on the freedom of law-abiding citizens while serving no practical purpose.

You've argued a pretty convincing case there, young Monsta, but I'm afraid I disagree.

£133m Offer for Toon! The Halls have sold up, Fat Freddie will be next to be offered an enormous wedge of cake cash. Giddy up!

I agree with threegee on the subject of ID cards.

You misunderstand. By "falling crime rate" what I mean is that there are fewer crimes taking place in the Northumbria area. This is a matter of statistical record. The last ten years has seen crime decrease and prosperity increase. Despite what right-wing newspapers say, this country is not "going to hell on a handcart".

David Beckhams was there?

Apart from the falling crime rate and increased prosperity you mean?

What an hilarious bit of Photoshopping! You must be Monsta's tutor in his Mong Level HTML BSc, are you? I'll tell you what, though. You should post this meisterwerk on every single thread, so that no casual visitor to the site can avoid it's comic majesty. You're great, you.

You're drinking bleach these days? Fair play to you, I hear it's a far superior drink to meths.

Monsta and Cympil there, Bedlington's answer to Huntley and Carr.

There we are then.

Not really.

Why is the cover art to "I wish it could be Christmas every day" the same as the cuff of a warlock's gown? They're both Wizzard sleeves!!!!!!LOL!!!11!!!!!!!SEEMYBABYJIVE!!!11!!!!!!

Why is someone who enjoys Darkbase CDs very much like a person who has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act? They're both raving mad!!!!LOL!!!!111!!!!!!!ACIEEEEEED!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between an ornithologist and someone who can't spell properly? One is a bird watcher and the other is a word botcher!!!!LOL!!!11!!!!!PUTYOURHANDSALLOVERBILLODDIE!!!!!!11!!!!!!