Hamburger Pimp

"Lampard shooting from outside the box there"

Any more lazy stereotypes for us?

We get a proper English commentary with the pictures, Pete.

Saturday afternoon everyone is in the pub*, watching the toon via the magic of dodgy Arabian channels. *No names, no pack drills, "The Man" may be looking in.

Well, the unsubstantiated say-so of a barely literate internet messageboard poster is all the evidence that I require. Thanks for clearing that up, monsta.

Giddy up!

It's a little known fact that our resident Mary Quant lookalike funds her extravagant lifestyle by selling voguish crisps in Canada. I reckon she even designed the bags.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Terriers handed a footballing lesson by Spartans

Yes, what a diabolical waste of our council tax, providing facilities for victims of domestic violence when we could have an unnecessary swimming pool for people too lazy to travel the vast distance to Blyth or Ashington. Sort it out, Wansbeck Council!

A prawn at the gym This is what Bill Gates had on his mind as he pored over a set of blueprints for the "Infotainment Superhighway" that fateful night in Seattle.

He got her a new bag and a matching belt. ...wait for it... The Hoover is working fine now!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!IWUVYOU!!!!

Blyth Spartans 3 Bedlington Terriers 1

If only there was a way to travel ten miles to Newcastle to buy stuff.

Happy 47th birthday, Jean.

Many happy returns, Andy.

Coming soon to a cinema near you*. Miss Darn is Holly Golightly. Mr Darn is Paul Varjak, in an updated version of the Truman Capote short story in

Drinking in the Market Tavern, wetting the bed, eating breakfast at McDonalds. That's livin', alright!

In these trying times that test a chap's soul, is there anything that can bring a ray or two of innocent joy and allow us to forget all the fussin' and a-feudin' that surrounds us? Of course there is. The jaunty, feelgood vibes of the There's lovely!

Some harum-scarum defending, but three well-taken goals to claim three important points. Get in!

A bag of sand in bank charges? Sweet baby cheeses! That's poor financial management and no mistaking.

Whether it's a solicitor writing on your behalf or you write yourself, they can still threaten to close your account. Just open a new bank account before you go chasing after your bank charges. Failing that, I'd write a couple of letters for you for two hundred quid.

Tyche gone!