Denzel

What's a 'har'?

Nah he's jacked in spending his nights round the old Joanna. Says there's too many Ginger's in pubs these days.

It's only 29 days until Rockney gods Chas 'n' Dave storm Whitley Bay Lighthouse. Personally, I can't wait. Gertcha!

No messing around in the Neck household - that money can be reinvested in local business - I predict a sudden upsurge in sales of White Lightning and Campbell's meatballs. Undoubtedly the cornerstone of any decent romantic night in.

There's nowt wrong with a flaggon of cider Dave!

I wonder how the fire started? Very mysterious.

I don't know any other way Dennis.

It's not 'Legz Akimbo' is it?!

Sell it on That online auction site that is in no way as good as Free Bedlington.co.uk Classifieds. Or drink it.

He's probably nicked a few.

It sells silver trinkets - I suspect to middle class dropouts with names like 'Swampy'.

All hail the Mabbmeister.

It was built in 1998.

The Pimp House has hot water - and damn good it is too!

We are currently experiencing water supply problems in Bedlington, Stakeford, Guidepost, Choppington, parts of East Cramlington and Seaton Deleval areas of our region. This is due to two 18" mains bursts on our network. We have been working through the night and recognise the inconvenience that is being caused as a result of this burst. We have been able to isolate the burst section of main where we believe the first burst is located however as we tried to refill the system it became apparent that another burst had occurred. We have isolated this burst and are attempting to refill the network so as to restore supplies. We would like to thank all our customers for their continued patience and would like to reassure everyone that we are doing everything we can to resolve this problem as soon as possible. You couldn't make it up. Loads more bowsers appearing on the streets according to our favourite utility's website; but no use crying over spilt milk. Oh, I mean water.

And being council workers only one bloke would be doing any semblance of graft - the others would be stood around, watching or reading a tabloid.

SLOA

I bet it was when you found it in the toilet bowl!

Get her telt Mr Darn. She needs a slap.

And he was back in time for bacon and eggs.

They'll get well watered late at night. And decorated with kebab wrappers.

And the customers are unable to get washed. Oh, no change there. I've got to get rid of my 'business' using rainwater. Sounds like a Boscastle story really.

Thank you very much Nigel Slater.

But out of true adversity, we Brits can still come out with comic gems. One deranged harridan commented in The Journal that she couldn't even wash her dentures. Priceless.

Nah, battered sausage.