Denzel

I know of at least one person who has made thorough use of her assets. Incidentally, can anyone explain why she speaks in an odd, Mackem-ish accent? Maybe she's just an affected tart who's only genuine ability is to 'smoke the white owl' of senior TV executives? The public have a right to know.

We can't anyway, strange-voiced 'Rafa' Benitez signs up all the Spanish players, so no-one else gets a look in.

Again? I think the miscreants should take a more hardline approach - can you imagine the UVF or the IRA resorting to throwing paint? Even the criminals are crap. Maybe The Stone Roses are the perpetrators?! They've got previous for this sort of thing.

I'm not sure if I should try and top it Dave; I fear mumblings of discontent at my puerile behaviour - indulged in mainly because it's an excellent way of skiving at work, when in fact I should be writing an advert. But I can't be arsed!

I assume I'm right in saying that all of our Antipodean chums are similar to Neighbours' very own Joe Mangle. He was on TV so it must be a realistic portrayal.

Aye, I'm sweating like a glass blower's !*!@# here.

Was it full fat Coke?

Aye, Bruce and Sheila in their Ute. With a load of chooks in the back.

Aye, it's bliddy scaddin' ootside.

Yep, lanky, spotty and goofy. The lad's got the lot.

Wasn't me guv'nor.

Ulster fry:- Wetting the bairn's heed - it's binge drinking, but it's acceptable Dene's Deli - buzzard's breath stottie, get it doon ya neck Netto et al - 24 cans of cooking lager for c.£10 = bargain BBC2, 9pm, Monday - Still Game, Catherine Tate & Saxondale; chuckle your way to bed Mark Radcliffe on daytime Radio 2 - quality choons Martin Lewis - heaven sent money guru Bistro style salad:- Flies - and wasps Baby sick - it stinks, it stains Twisty-arsed singer songwriters - add Paolo Nutini to this ever growing list Light summer nights - I need to get some kip man

I wouldn't dispute that for one moment; but I'd still have Shola ahead of the BFG.

I'll tell you what's happening Pete; a few of the lads are off to Morpeth the neet for a celebratory birthday drinkathon. Not long after we arrive, Pencil Neck's missus will turn up '...fancy seeing you here, and this is the first time I've been to Morpeth in years...' etc and she'll tag along with us. Simple, but effective.

Ssssssssssorry.

Frederick?

Thanks CK, apolgies all round.

She also took your spine and your guts.

A homo say what?

To be fair, Heskey is still more of a footballer than the white Kevin Francis who currently plays for the scousers.

She's already whipped yours off.

Yep, it's not a proper lads night out unless two of your dullard mates have deemed it necessary to invite their respective lasses along.

Mrs Hair is the local gossip.

Just what we need, another sodding midfielder.

I've launched a few of them in my time.