Denzel

String him up, robbing old sod!

We live in an enlightened age my dear.

Who knows, some daft bint might be mad enough to marry Bedlington's very own Arkwright!

What he said.

Can't deny, the man's an optimist. Maybe he's also an optometrist?

Cue Mrs Pencil Neck.....

S-s-s-s-s-sorry!

Is it true you can buy schoolgirl's dirty knickers out of vending machines in Tokyo? If so, how much are these baccy-stained boxes of delight?

'The Station Slasher'?! He's no match for the 'Top End Tit Tugger'.

Apologies all round, I was under the impression you'd been referring to Mrs Pencil Neck. Hark at Paddy Pedantic.

I won't disagree; even pig-faced ex-Boro' thug Phil Stamp looks better than you.

Is that the original simian that used to be in the bar then?

Shame the same thing can't be said about her fiance.

I'm of the opinion that it's a bit of both.

Congratulations to Bedlington ex-pat Martin 'Tiddles' Thewlis, who has recently announced that he is to wed his beau, Sarth Efrica's finest, Natasha, in the picturesque Czech town of Brno.

Excellent news, though it really is a case of 'Scooby Dooby Don't' in future. Incidentally, what are everyone's funniest canine moments? I particularly enjoy seeing a dog with it's head out of the window of a car when travelling at a decent rate of knots. Always makes me giggle that one.

Gollum? Is that your pet name for your lass?!

Dorty stop oot. I'll keep my eyes peeled.

Getting rid of your Pixies T-shirts are you? Or the endless Simpsons tat?

We aren't all as rich as bean-counting Davey Hair.

The Happy Mondays one proclaimed they were 'Moving In With' us; not so in the case of Mr & Mrs Pencil Neck. Not content with their Ravensworth Terrace lovenest, they've only gone one better and purchased their very own flat (handily placed for local amenities and schools). But why go to the bother of ringing The Shore Porter's Society when your altruistic chums will do the job for the cost of a pint of lager? To be fair it was a poor turn-out, with only Mr & Mrs Hairy Heed and myself offering any assistance - Ginola and The Colonel opting to spend the morning in their respective scratchers, avoiding any sign of hard work. A regular theme of helping my peer group move home has been a lack of preparation; ie, nothing is ever packed away. Having said that, Mrs Pencil Neck had swiftly hidden the knicker basket and her selection of buzzy friends when I arrived, so not all was lost. With Captain Hairy Heed in full control of the Borchmobile, we were soon lifting dusty boxes of Pixies CD's and Simpsons paraphernalia into the van, whilst Pencil Neck tried in vain to disassemble his furniture using a toothpick and an aubergine; next time pal, sort out some screwdrivers. Another regular theme of helping friends move home has been the stark realisation that they live like Paraffin Lamps - try using a vaccuum cleaner and a duster in your new home, it makes a hell of a difference. But this was a minor gripe - nothing will ever compare to The Colonel's previous abode. Anyway, I just wanted to say, good luck in your new home together Mr & Mrs Pencil Neck. Just dump some of the crap you've accumulated (particularly Mr PN's old wardrobe, CD's and Simpson's crap) and you might even be able to move around freely in there.

Pub full of lezzers?! Dave, you jammy get!

The Front Street rocks again, all hail the Lion biting back.

I like the idea of this 'fine money', but to be perfectly honest some '!*!@# money' would do me.