Brian Cross

WEE SCOTTISH JOKE On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that all Scotsmen who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"

Well said Merlin this reverse racism !*!@# has gone far enough its the same here.

That makes at least two of us.

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.. Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Good one Merlin i needed a laugh this morning.

The pigs have got to be killed instantly or stress will taint the meat.

glad you have joined the club .......

Hope you have a great Birthday Canny Lass ......

Wish i could be there

I am not sure what kind of leek show it was cause i missed it maybe Keith can tell us i think he frequents the Percy sometimes.

I missed the leek show at the Percy in Sept when i visited last, it was on the day i arrived i went down to the pub in the late afternoon and there was a lot of sad looking faces around don't know if it was the booze or the faces of the losers.(serious stuff leek shows)

Nowt !

like the glass eye bit i think i may be married to her sister ?

Its a date Keith.

You do sound positive and thats a good thing

If Bedlington and Northumberland is in your blood it is there to stay ......I am a proud Bedlington terrier as was my Mam and Dad.

Happy birthday to both Mr Darn and 3G all the best lads.........

Not sure if they are Gannets or seagulls Keith, they walk in open the fridge remove all consumables and then say hello.

Three old Aussie rednecks were working up on an outback Queensland cell phone tower: ... Coot Hooter, Hurricane Lamp* and Martin Place *. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.. As the ambulance takes the body away, Martin says, 'Well, !*!@# me; someone should go and tell Coot's wife. Hurricane says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Martin says, 'Where did you get that beer, Hurricane?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Hurricane replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Hurricane says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are..' Queenslanders are good at that sensitive stuff.

My wife has done the marmalade covered ham and slow baked it in the wood oven , i agree it was lovely but our lot come around and devour everything in sight.

i thought the chimp had carked it years ago !!!

All the best Pete...

Merry Christmas to all my forum mates and all the best for the coming new year thanks for all the posts funny and serious.........BC

Have a good one Keith ......everything in moderation they say ha ha

Are the Station markets still going i was there for the first day and there was plenty of interest but they needed more types of stalls.